This is why

I dont talk to her anymore. We have had many failed attempts at having lunch or coffee and it always left me hanging. but I just found out she broke up with her long, long relationship with a very not nice guy.. IM SO PROUD OF HER. She showed courage and I wish she knew how happy I am for her. I knew she wasnt treated right, she deserved alot ALOT better. Someone who loved her for who she was. For her funny jokes, for her smile, for what she does for them. I just wish I was her best friend again. I know that sounds sappy but there is always that one friend you wish you didnt lose in touch with? or am I crazy? I wish I could just erase July and replace it with a cooler month... like november or april. Tempers were so hot.
Well, here's to the past. I wish the best for you. Always.

Wo xihuan chi fan.

Meaning, I like food. I love food.
Its flavor, its texture, its something filling and makes you all cuddly and happy. But... now that I am almost done with my Food and Power class... food makes me want to just run away. All the controversies and GMO foods, Monsanto and stuff like that... food has just become another political subject to me. Im kinda of disappointed. actually, Im extremely disappointed. Food sucks. or at least the people that provide it for us. Thank you Food Inc. for making me gag a little over McDonalds and steak.

On a better note, I finished two tests today, Calc and Chinese. YES. I feel accomplished.


Im making a collage of fortune cookie fortunes... so if you have any lying around send them my way!

My poetry notebook is in my car with all my poems and I am way too lazy to go out into the parking lot and get it. So no poem yet, but they are coming sooooon!

Give yourself, so others will give too

OHHHH WOW. I have not posted in a record long time..

I dont even know what to say. I dont really want to go back and review my day, Im kinda tired of just looking inside myself. Ive been in my head for too long. Thinking. thinking. awake. no sleeping. thinking. I want to talk about the future... somewhat.

Im very happy the holidays are here : ) I am going to chicago in two and a half weeks and Im STOKED. Partrick and I and the windy city. A couple retreat. YES. Its like something from the movies. I just want it to go right, like what plays in my head you know? Seems like things like this are planned for real life and somehow it turns out not the way expected whatsoever. Cross your fingers. I believe it will, or it will be better than imagined. That must be it. for sure.

OU is not my cup of tea. period. TU is where its at.


and now... for a list.


LIST


live in seattle
own tea company
have a great dane
walk great dane along Puget Sound
travel to china
eat something crazy
come back
to the love of my life
he will work on a ship
hopefully, if he wants
take my blonde, curly haired two year old son and pick blueberries
eat blueberries every day, at least one, just one
kiss every day, meaningfully
write my heart
tattoo will already be a sleeve with flowers and forget-me-nots and also, one on my ear, a bee.
live moderately
meditate
make another list.

I met them smart, they layed down numb.

As I sit between geniuses

and as I lay between sheets

staring at the popcorn ceiling,

I start to realize that

it is all fucking the same.

every pizza is round,

every mind is in our head.

Life is worth living where

light shines between blinds

and philosohical discussions

are left for Yangming and Socrates

in dirt.

in a coffin.

six feet under.

We both can not solve the world

and the world will not solve us.

Tomorrow

I can't bring myself to realize that tomorrow is really important. I have to go testify and I wont share what it's about. I just need an outlet.. so here we go.

Ive been having nightmares every night about tomorrow, yet I dont really believe it will actually happen. It is as if Im anticipating something that wont really happen.. but it has to. Its hard to explain.

Im at a point in my life where every decision matters, that people will judge me for who I am with and what I do. What drugs are taken or what hair style I wear. Its what I study and what I do in my free time. I dont understand why some choose to consciously declare someone not a friend any more. I guess Im a loyal person. Once a friend, always a friend. This is me. I guess I put myself in other peoples shoes too often. Maybe I need to wear mine in first? Who fucking cares. I honestly am tired of worrying about everyone else. Who truly worries about me, the way I do for others? Wow, rant is over. Sorry for that pile of shit in text.

Ill probably delete this so cherish it while it is here.

Life is lived in the middle, not the extremes.

Wow, scary.

Its scary what comes out
the corner of my mouth.
What corn puff cheese
crumbles lurk, saying
that my lack of awareness
makes me look like a bafoon.
Whispered secrets and
wobbly kisses surround
my daily life.
Style is not an option here.

Toothpaste stains show
what attempts I have at
keeping my words clean
my body grows dirtier
as the days of growing
up become stronger.

How texting the one person
that makes your life shine
brighter than that classroom light
illuminating more than a rave party
and then recieving a soft and polite,
lovely reply.

It scary what tears drip to the corner
of my mouth, dripping like
that empt grey sink
in your kitchen and
your insides crinkle
like that bag of sun chips
I just emtied with
wolverine fingers and mouth
wide like a coffee stir straw.

It's freaky that I want you to stir me.
pour a little creamer hugs
and sugar cube kisses into
that wide steaming cup
behind my lungs. Drink it slow
taste every sip as if the world
would never end, that Time is
just a misspelled spice.
Drink, drink my cup.

Its scary what I can hold
in the corner of my mouth.

Its a monotone world with little to do but fly

I have so much to say
to that bug in my lamp
flitting and flying as if
it were the sun revovling
around him.

what a selfish bug.

In my skin

Peed ontop a roof top
as lady like as a
butter finger in August
heat, melting, dripping

Not all the lights are
working tonight
I hope I run into a
homeless man, honest man

The light show doesnt
go on all night
neither does the stupor
you put yourself through

Im naive in downtown,
alone
Crowne Plaza screams
at me ten stories up

I wish I had that presence.

If

If words could sing
us back to grief

If words could chide
us back to life

Could I take you back with me?

If words could blow
us into sinc

would you walk with me?

Why?!?!

BECAUSE!

Guilt should be taken to the guillotine.

I will no longer feel guilty for saying no.
I will no longer feel guilty for saying yes.

I will not take responsibility for your actions.
I will take mine.

With full regrets, broken hearts, and shattered shields,
I am not a bad person. Just around bad things.

Forgive me, so I can forgive myself.

I wish for the best.

I hope there is nothing to talk about
but whats between her thighs and chest.
The sex will be dry, with crackling hearts.

I truly Hope you find happiness
joy, and success.
Your leaking faucet will be dry,
and without a crack in your heart.

I wish you the best with a mercedes benz.

Ill lay on the cot, and see love's true end.

For you, it was alwasys a beginning.




I envy you.

Stone

Chirping crickets tell me Im doing the right thing
by not saying a word, of how I feel, welling up inside
like a balloon filled with cold water,
By touch, Im cold. But not poetically.
Im just cold.

Stone is the edge of choice,
smooth.. collected
like the stones found in rivers
and streams when you were a child.
Fascinated by how soft something can be
that is so hard.

This time tomorrow.

I woke up this morning to my mom laughing hysterically. At first, irritated by waking up I frowned and cursed who dare broke my nightmares... after all they must be finished but then I realized who was laughing. Fully awake I laughed too out of pure spite. Mom was on the phone with this man she met while working at target pharmacy. It was a new person in her life. After all these years of turmoil and heartbreak and things I have yet to cry over... she found someone again. It just shows how resilient life is, love is, friendship is. It really impacted me this morning.

Mom left to go have lunch with him, leaving me at home with stieg larsson and a frozen pizza. Alfie, my ten pound of terror for a dog, persistently tore my kitchen apart trying to reach the counter where sausage, pepperoni, and ham blended together to give off an aroma that no living, hungry animal would pass up with out a fight.

I slept after gorging through three pieces of greasy pizza. Woke. And realized something.

Its the little things that make you who you are and make you happy. God what a simple and long over due epiphany.

Smile, because there is a glass of milk and a set of arms around you.

Today is August Third

My grandmother Peggy died a year ago exactly today. At 8:45 I will be at her grave, probably laughing at all the stupid things that happened and all the good memories. Happy tears for sure.

I care too much about other peopel and not enough about me. I seem to be crazy according to some people at five oclock this morning. I never yelled out on the lawn like that before. In fact, I dont think Ive ever yelled and argued like that before. I didnt like it. I felt terrible.


I miss her. All the memories of this day still haunt me. The gurgling of her lungs filling with water and the slow rhythm of a life slowly slipping away. The warm walls and the numbing heat from outside. I never slept so good as that day.

I have felt so alone this past year.

Stieg Larson is my hero.

I finally have the emotional energy to let myself write again. Gah.


I could sit here and talk about all that has happened, but that would take a few hours and a couple breaks for some good tears and laughing.

To sum in up. I am changed... for the better.

I started reading these books by stieg larson. The first one is called The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Lisbeth Salander is my new ulimate hero. SHe is everything I want to be in a way. Strong, resilient, smart, and is completely moral. She is strongly misunderstood and honestly I feel the same way. I find beauty in her that I strive to have. This doesnt make much sense if you havnt read the books... so Ill move on to something more understandable.

A girl with Salander's heart


I dont know how to
stay still long enough
for you to see what I
feel, in my gaze while you
gaze at something else,
in the length of my arms
barely long enough to hold you,
all mine.

I am not afraid of being alone.

I dont know how to
stay still long enough,
to be enough.
Im not looking for happiness
Im not looking for forgiveness

I am messed up just like the rest of us,
and damn, I am ashamed that I cant amount
to more in anyones life.

I am not afraid of being alone.

I dont know how to
stay still long enough
for pictures to develope
without that smear, a faceless
me with no bearing eyes to make you think.

or still long enough to hold those memories
closer in my mind, so that on nights like these
when the cicadas are thrumming faster than
my heart beat and the fuzz on the tv has
more cognitive thoughts than me,
I can walk back into the night
when coolers were flowing with fire works
and a red blanket had more significance than
a necklace.

I am not afraid of being alone...

Im afraid of having nothing to show for it.

Seattle

I will be in seattle for an entire week!

: D

We are all just average with average love and hate

opening mouths
with gutteral sounds
that sounded a little bit like
the sounds of love and hate

loud and soft,
light and dark
tone of someone with
something that others
have as well

Go through the motions
go through their boxes
of momentos and shit
its all the same

What a picture

What a picture

The ice cream man sings
as his chiding truck
drives like a snake through
my neighborhood

I look around from the
hood of my car, engine
is still hot from
my foot and pedal

I am alone

while children play

I am alone

when parents pray

I am alone

Looking in the mirror


What a picture

vivance was closer to me
than my own summer skin
and the cold hands of love
that I thought exists.

The truck wails on
through its speakers
"Go back to childhood
and get high from sugar"

.... instead of pain

What a picture

unknowingly taken
unwilingly sacred
chillingly naked
Thank you
for the D O D.

forever and always

June 5th-15th

Dark

Ive seen the world's dark
places.

restaurant corners, dirty sheds,
bathtub drains, and things
I'd rather not say...

these dark places will take you,
burn you like the hearth of my eyes,
it can hurt, force in
your pulsing body
and rip out the center
of what you call heart.

mountains are moved
in the direction of the pacific.
and I have lost you,
and you have lost me.

Search for what is right,
search for eyes in the mirror,
search, your whole life
search.

and what do I find?

Your light.

Now I can blog about it. Live through this, and Ill look back.

I went on a 27 mile bike ride yesterday with one of my old History teachers. Ive been with him on several occasions and always encountered something interesting. I usually never realize that Im biking so much. I absolutely love that. Because who on earth would be able to do that on their own?? So, this is how the traumatizing day layed out.

I get to the place we always meet in Sand springs. I pick out my bike. Everything is fine. We bike. It was beautiful. 80 degrees with a slight breeze. I was sailing. My mind was clear from all the shit that has happened in the past week. I felt me, peircing the air with two tires and pedals. I had no ipod to remind me of past days. Just the sound of traffic and the clicking of that good ol' bike... oh and the occasional projection of wisdom from my teacher. Beautiful.

We bike to downtown tulsa, everything is fine. I have green tea from QT, great. Then on our way back inbetween downtown and sandsprings, I saw a group of guys huddling on the pathway over something. I get closer and they walk away, leaving a heap of something behind. I thought is was a dog at first...

We bike up close enough and see it is a human, a woman, a person with a heart beat and a childhood and someone with dreams and love and kindness and heartache...

I get off my bike and see she is lying down on her head. Blood, surrounded her hair. She was moaning and obviously in pain. I went into momma mode. You know what Im talking about? where you do anything for that person. Provide all that you can. YOu dont care if your hands get dirty either. I held her hand and talked to her. Some neighbor that witnessed it came up and I suggested to call the cops, so that was taken care of. This is what I got from her. Her name is susie, she had a fiance but he died. She has no teeth and green shorts that came up really far. Her nails were dirty and really, really long. In repition, I heard her say she tried... she really did try. She was about forty or fifty something. She held my hand like grandma. She gurgled like grandma. She had blue eyes like grandma. She was homeless and scared.

As soon as we heard the sirens, My teacher made us leave. I got on my bike reluctantly, left my water bottle for her and started to cry. I had a flash back of my grandma. I saw her in this woman. In this heart. I saw the same suffering heart. I felt what I havnt felt in almost a year and I broke down. I was the only one crying.

I was told, I did the right thing. But it didnt make me feel any less emotional. Sure, I did the right thing, but will she be alright? I dont understand what these people have in them to think they can beat up a woman, homeless or not, drunk or not, drugged or not. It makes me so sick. It makes me want to love even more. Yes we were in a bad part of tulsa, yes it happens every day, but does it make it okay? or alright? FUCK NO.

Im angry, im sad, Im heartbroken. I want a better world. I want to help, nurture, cry, scream, stomp on the ground. Anything to stop one heart from breaking. Thank you Emily Dickinson.


If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain. (Emily Dickinson)

Okay. maybe I over wrote this situation.

I am angry,

but Im okay.



Tonight, I think I found peace. I looked up into our Oklahoma sky and realized I was born to look up, not down. I forgive whatever the fuck happened and I am prepared to smile about it and cherish what was there, and what I have left. I have the whole world infront of me and I cant let petty emotions stand stark in my way. I cant have it.

I cant.

So, gazing upward, I saw stars. I believe they saw me.
This is all I could ask for.

I love you. and I always will.

Goodnight.

Okay.. anger subsiding

I'm starting to paint. I'm not good, I have no idea what I'm doing but at least its something. I still feel whole, which is a good thing. I never knew love to beat you up so much. I thought it was a more merciful feeling. I was very wrong. Paint is merciful. You can mix it just fine with others, it works together with brush and canvas to make the picture you want, its real....

On a side note, My favorite bracelet disintegrated in the hot tub last night... I guess it was just too much for it : /

we grow from the inside, we destroy from the inside.

once again, Im feeling like I was when I first started blogging. Lost, alone, and reaming with hateful poems...

I swear Im not an angry person. I just... I dont know.


Ive been accused of being a terrible girlfriend... i just want to analyze this.

Who took you to work at six in the morning during summer and then picked you up?
Who left roses on your car for no apparent reason?
who offered you anything you needed?
Who cared when no one else really saw?
Who got pulled around like a puppet on string for a year and a half for you to figure out that you werent happy?
Who never cheated?
Never deliberately lied
never treated you like shit
always complimenting,
always caring,
always heartbroken.

I loved you for so long, unconditionaly.
No more, because for once I am choosing to be angry. I am not the bad guy.
I did everything i could and YOU failed me and yourself.


Good luck with that handle of Kessler. I hope my last name makes you kiss that porcelain throne.

At least I forgave myself. Can you say you did the same?

Sticks and stones will hurt your bones

I stepped into this
web once again.
I was stuck to you like
that damn fly
caught
enamored
by that sly eight eyed smile


Fuck you.

I grew wings,
and gave you the number one
and no, it wasnt my index finger.

That seed of doubt

Im tired of feeling like im not enough.

Im sick and tired of not being worth it.

who is a real friend?

Fuck this.

Silvia

took three showers today
I cant seem to wash you
down that damn drain
away from my heart
and eclipsing brain

I dont know, you.
like i know this water
clinking with ice
in my glass.
clinking the empty
sounds of that hollow
space beneath my breasts

Cold and prespiring,
I cant wash you off
like this water
running down my cheeks
like this water flowing
away from my body like
this water pouring down that drain.

Goose Pimples

It was a tragedy,
the worst of all kinds
When the man in the
butler suit and with a magic wand
puffed out his cheeks and stopped
the music, mid orgasm
mid crescendo to the high beyond that soaring trumpet
I have that plucked feather look
when the notes kiss y ears
My nape, exposing all that I have
to the buther's knife
I wait for him to take a swing and let gush out my hopes
and dreams. Inot the music, the harmony
of what I call living.

I know the way

Toy trucks and pretend masks
keep me from the monster in the
shadows of my castle room.
I know the ways of the world

Letters have meaning
the teacher points out
I knew that already,
a week ago
I know the ways of the world

Late night window climbing
secret kisses graced with
nerves of the first time
I know the ways of the world

A time where school doesnt end
and the lunch is the same
and the friends always change
I know the ways of the world

College, graduated,
educated, dated,
I know the ways of the world

Marriage, kids, divorce
kareoke, love again
I know the ways of the world

Age, chemicals that take my hair
and place it in the brush,
bed pans and male nurses
I know the ways of the world

I know the way in this world
I know the way in my world
I dont know your way,
I dont know his.
I dont know life
as a I knew it.

Applebee's.. actually Apple Gold Group

I had my first day of training today and somehow I still have enough energy to post. It was probably one of the best days Ive had in a while. I say that as if prom never happened... or last week. Ive been really good lately actually. Now that I think about it, today is nothing compared to my past days.

On my first day, a cockroach crashed the dinner party on table eleven. The couple just laughed and said they are coming back for more... sometimes I wonder if people are sane, or if I am. If a cockroach is found within ten feet of my food, its over. I really enjoy working though! I cant wait for the tips to come rolling in. Fo sho.

As life has been on fast forward these past few weeks, Ive been able to write alot in the corners of notebooks and the backs of music sheets. I just never remember to bring them home to post.

There is something about being miserable that brings in a lot of inspiration to write. Whenever I smile, Id rather enjoy the day than writing about it. I still thinki and write in my head.. I just lack pen and paper. I wish I could get into the habit of always carrying something with me.


I thought about a really old memory today about my grandma. For somereason, she has really been on my mind. It was a night that I was sleeping beside her. She had woken up and was really sick. (I am going to try and not be very descriptive.. thinking about the picture of this makes me lose all feeling in my stomach). Black bile was seeping out of her mouth. She was REALLY sick. I didnt have the capacity to emotionally react to this. I just got up, turned on the light, and cut off her robe. I grabbed towels and a cup for her to expel the remaining black goo. she kept on saying my name as if I wasnt really there. I washed her down with rags and her favorite bath and body shampoo ans soap. Through out this ordeal, I had no feeling. I was in help mode I guess. I just kept going. I told her it was okay and normal for this to happen... but in reality it scared me shitless. What the hell was that?? I gave her a new robe that was cut in the back so her arms could slip through the sleeves and just lay ontop of her. She finally opened her eyes fully and just looked through me. Its as if she saw something in me, maybe something horrifying.. or just different to her that she had this puzzled and scared look on her face. She stared, clearly and deliberately into me. I thought I was naked. I thought my inner most feelings was brought out for her to examine. I think she saw the fear for her in my eyes and immediately regretted allowing her to look. She grabbed my hand and muttered something about sweet potatoes again and a thank you. "Thank you Erika, I love you". She is probably one of the few people I truly believe when they say that to me. I know she loves me, fear and all. For someone who has all the potential and right to be bitter about their situation, to reach out, STILL, and say they loved me... That really takes someone to mean that. It takes a person that knows what love feels like to say that. UNCONDITIONAL. AGAPE. love. I want to learn from her. I want to be like her in that regard.

If I ever get ovarian cancer or any other kind for that matter. Im signing the DNR sheet. I'll step on my own oxygen tube.


P.S. Boneless Buffalo wings at applebees is 1300 calories.. jussayin.

Mountains certainly can be moved, with Paul Bunyan.

I have a lot to say, but I dont know how to put it into words...

I feel like a volcanoe, dorment for so long and now Im just exploding with all that Ive kept in. The good, the bad... but mostly good.

I miss her

I drove home today, smiling.
Not because of anyone, but just because I felt touched by someone. I've been numb for way too long. Taking blows without flinching and I realize how unhealthy that is.

These are the nights I miss grandma most. I want her to be in that room waiting for me to talk to her about my day, and asking about hers. I want to talk about the birds. I already feel her slipping away. My memory fades, yet my sorrow grows stronger. I want her advice. I want her hand.

Darkest Things

I have been doing a lot of thinking this weekend. Who I want to be, who I want to be with, and most importantly, where I want to go with who I want to be with.

Choices, are hardest when you know it will effect the rest of your life. Its not just about what class to take next year, its where do you want to be in debt and what do you want to dedicate your life career too. How do people decide on these things?? I need someone to just lay it out for me. Tell me what is best. Give me that lucky card.



I sat on my porch,
sipping on that filter paper
and soaking up the rain.

Instead of thinking
of you, I thought about
being a butterfly,

Floating above the washed
out streets and wilted
dandelions caressing
the drops of water beneath
them

Singing,
about how lonely hearts
soak up the rain.

Well well well, young grasshopper.

Ginger snaps make me wonder if it is even worthy of being considered a cookie... as if it tastes like home.

Money money money, seems to be on everyone's mind lately. You know what? IT makes me want to go burn it. It's so constricting. Who would have ever thought that a green piece of paper could stop me from doing anything.

How it can starve a family, wreck lives, buy love, buy you.

It bought me, from time to time.

I wont ever let that happen again.

Thoughts

I feel like an apple turn over. One day Im good, next Im cold.

Since I havent been diligently posting like I thought I was, my thoughts have accumulated.

Women wear mascara in hopes of showing how wide the doors are to their heart. How inviting they are to their soul.

Sometimes I get so angry, the fury inside me has daydreams of punching a wall... with a persons face on it. Then kicking a door that you were about to open, and giving you a splinter.

Unfortunetly, reality sets in and I cry instead... because that is what I do when I am mad. Maybe I'll blog for real later.

Well, I had my last spring concert tonight. I cant say that I am complaining about it either. When I was onstage, I didnt feel the nervous jitters that I once had in my tummy. I guess after eighth grade.. you just kind of get over it. I miss that. I miss feeling like everything is new. Instead, Im saying everything is my last.

I cried during the second movement of Lincolnshire. I dont know how to describe this overwhelming moment. The lights dimmed, at least from my eyes, and all I could see is the beauty of where I was sitting. I was sitting in a masterpiece of music. It was being created all over again, around me, in me, and through me. I could hardly play, but felt completely guilty if I didnt. The tears welled at the curve of my neck and I let them stay there. They were hot and kept me from freezing over with goosebumps. There is just something about letting your feelings go through music. Playing somehow takes away whatever pain your feeling and replaces it with love. Love for the notes, harmony, the feeling of life around you. Everyone wanting the same thing you do. It is absolutely beautiful. Stunning. Radiant.
When the trumpet soared, I just about lost it altogether.




Come away with me,
take me.
and perfect the art
of shattering our hearts.




P.S.

P.S. Is what the alphabet would look like if you took out Q and R.

Will fight.

These are the things I will fight for.

You.
My sister.
The kitten in the tree.
The Congo
Ice cream on a sunny day
Tea
The life of Poetry
Vinyl and needles
Collages
Human Rights of any kind
You.

Cool Hand Luke

I watched this movie a long time ago, but I remember it so well. It really made an impression on me. So many quotable lines... but I wont repeat them in fear of redundency. I just really miss watching old movies. Old classic movies that most people forget about because of high-tech avatar or wonderland. What ever happened to Clark Gable? Well one part of this movie where Luke eats more boiled eggs than humanly possible, made me really feel something. Well, more than just the initial instinct to go and throw up myself. I want to be him. Maybe not in prison but cool... Nonchalant like, you know what I mean? Let the Bosses in my life try and make me miserable. I dare them. I dont ever want to be broken like Luke. He escapes and gets caught a million times but never breaks. He is always his own, always looking for an out.

Forgive

I havnt posted in a couple days, I feel like Ive been putting myself on hold.

The big news, Im moving. Far enough to call it that, a couple neighborhoods away. Im honestly really sad about it. My house reminds me of a Lady and the Shoe house. Its a ranch house with things everywhere, but not unbearable. Just enough mess to make you feel like you can kick back and put your feet up with your shoes on. It's best described as cozy. A comfort home.

The house we are moving to? Well, it has a pool, lots of space, very classy. Its a house were you have formal parties and you wear only socks around. Its definately a step up, but I feel like its a step down. Why am I complaining anyways? Im moving away in three months. I just wont have any home to come home to.


Sometimes I feel out of breath, emotionally. I fear, if I take in a deep breath, it might be too much, but I desperately need it. I dont usually diagnose myself, but... Im due for a breakdown. So maybe I can build myself back up again. Someone reached out to me yesterday. It happened in the most unexpected way. I beleive people cross your path for a reason, to teach you something or show you something. This person showed me how to be spiritual once again. How to start a relationship with God again. How to care, about things infinetly beyond yourself, and love life once again.



Most importantly, forgive yourself.








Poem later.

Dear Moon,

I promise to you
that I am okay.
That it was nothing
but time and a face
that was gained.

I promise to you
that I will be selfish
for once, and look up
at you and think nothing
but of the possibility
of me being a better
person because of you.

Disappointment is meant
to show you how much you
can be proud of.

I am proud of you moon,
for never setting.

For sticking your middle
finger up in broad daylight.

It was you.

Its been a while
since Ive felt those
last.

They were different,
as if I grew up and am
now fifteen years older and
you had grey hair and a beard.
A beard- but softer. Like feathers adorning
your sparkling face.

Kiss,
floated like moth wings,
fluttering around those musty moth
balls and grandma
sweaters with cute little
snow men I call lips.

They were different,
yet I knew it was you behind
those soft folds of skin.
It was you.

We all are.

Let me tell you something,
that might change your perspective
of me.
Let me tell you something
that is shaking people
in their seats, we are sweating
profusely, and beads of salty
nerves trickle down the
frown we all wear.

Let me tell you something
that will make you hate me.

everyone feels alone.
You feel alone.
I feel alone.

But Locke said we learn
from our experiences.
Well.
Then that makes us all
god damn genius's.
Congratulations.

You

You are like the dreaming
of a day.
bright with life.
Smile, dear.
I adore you like
the sun adores my
skin. Wrap around me,
and kiss me in bed,
like the moon does.

------------------------------


I miss him.. I dont know how to get over him.

Suspended in Gaffa

I have big, big news. I dont want to share it yet though. This is just a teaser.

Something about me: I enjoy sneezing more than most people.

Something Different

I got in trouble today for hugging a friend in the hallway. Granted, maybe this friend is my ex... but still! we are friends now. He was upset and needed consolation. A hug from someone who cares... alot. Then our director came up and started yelling at us. Said that we need to stop. Stop what? Being human?? I cant tell you how angry I was. Tears were streaming down my face in band. I couldnt even watch him direct. It started to make me think. I find that, now, affection of any kind in a semi public place is a carnal sin. That touching another, whether it be holding hands, hugging, standing close, etc. is dangerous and could possibly burn out your eyes with lasers. It makes me depressed. We are human. I need contact with others. If you met me in person, I can come off a little touchy. When I talk with you, I might reach out and touch your arm. No, not in a creepy way, but I just have to connect. I hope this doesnt come off wrong. When I say goodbye, I would like a hug. Is that so wrong of me? When I cry, I want a shoulder and a hand.




3-24-10



Touch
the heat from your oily fingers
gives me more soul than that stack
of bound papers. More than the words
detachedly typed for a mass audience
who dont really care where they came from,
only to show that they have soul too.

It is the -How are you- droning
in my ears from blank faces that
makes me lose hope in myself.
Give me a hug. Embrace me.
I fear my ribs are losing balance
from my teetering, feeble feet. I need
someone for support. Give me strength
with a kiss, bring the color in my
cheeks. So ashen, so dead.
How can you live in your space
with no one to invade?

Invade me.

Shrunk the shrink

What do I do when I want to relax?

Drink tea in any form while laying in the sun at a coffee shop. If I have no car, I go to the bath tub with bubbles. Sometimes a cigarette if its laying around. Listen to music no one finds that interesting, but plays with my heart. Driving, I love rolling down my windows and just dancing in my seat.


Weird things about me. Or that I think are weird...

I fold paper when Im nervous.

I always regret mean things I say, even if they are true.

I hate, abhor and loath stepping on cracks when I can avoid them.

Pillows are not fun to put my head on, just to hug.

My toes are the first things to be uncomfortably cold.

I cant eat burgers or grease well at all, I have a sensitive stomach.

Im also allergic to all citris fruits. (Watermellon, Cantalaupe, Strawberries, Oranges etc.) Also, peanuts. I hate it and eat them anyways. I just suffer afterwards.

When I meet someone new, I cant find my tongue, you have to warm me up.

I take meaning in everything you say and think about it later. Sometimes it is a destructive characteristic.

Im cursed by spiders, I always get bit by them.

When I get angry, I cry like a baby.




Dear Anthony,

what are you doing on sunday?

Rough Rooftop

Today, I went out on my roof in a bathing suit, while snow inhabited the ground. Yes, welcome to Oklahoma. Enjoy and take your medicine.

I want to get to know myself.

What do I want to do when I grow up?

Ever since I was a weee little child, I had a fascination with India. I love the culture, food, people, etc. It just interests me. Its such a strong yearning I could almost say my past life was spent in India, if I believed in such things. I also have an infinite love for tea. I want to export and import tea. I cant tell you how much I want to do this, how much I am planning to do this, how much I know I will do this. I want to live in Asia and other related tea countries for six months and then go back to America and Europe for six months. This will be an honest pure business. No chopping up the leaves, it will be loose leaf and only the fineset of these countries. No pesticides or fertilizers. The flavor of tea is dependent on the soils contents. These things ruin tea. I also want some of the profits to go towards the pickers and farmers of the tee. They deserve luxury just as much as anybody. It will be perfect. Along with this, I plan to join the peace corps. This has been long planned. After I graduate from college, I will be teaching/working in the peace corps or some other related institution. Ive thought about Social Work, but my soul would break apart if I made it a profession. I volunteer for this, not work for this. Although, it is such an admirable profession not usually recognized by the public. I hope you believe me, because I believe me.

Adam

I opened up this book today and I met the most wonderful poet. His name is Adam Zagajewski. He is raw, yet not rough. Flows from syllable to syllable but does not mesh, he is so clear. I think if I met him, our pupils would mirror exactly. Artistic sould mates. I think I have many of those.

Anthony, I am so so sorry. I want to hang out with you sometime. : ) We need to catch up.

The worst of sundays

I dont think Ive ever felt so discouraged. Everything that had a possibility of going wrong, just did go wrong. Im not sitting here complaining for no reason. Ive had such a wonderful week and it all comes down to today.

When you make a mistake, your supposed to grow from it right? What happens if you shrink?

I went to the Black Eyed Peas concert last night. It was beyond amazing. I cried so hard when Where is the Love was playing. It brought back alot of memories for me. That song speaks to my heart. I dont know why. LMFAO was legit, I had no idea they sang that Shots! song. Crazy what you learn. The crowd there... was interesting. Young kids, like four, and old ladies, like 80. There were women with less clothes on than what I wear in the shower.. maybe thats exaggerating but you get the point. Then, there I was, little miss me with a save Darfur shirt and bracelets up my arm. I felt somewhat out of place, yet I still loved it. I like not being them, I love being me. Is that conceited? I hope not. I just wouldnt want to change who I am or where Im going.

I miss innocence. I miss pretending Im climbing a mountain, when really its a sand pile. I want to play house and have everything work out. I want to send a note to the one I love and ask for him to check yes or no. Whatever happened to ferbies or jump rope? Climbing trees and believing you could see the end of the universe; a stick is a mighty sword. Your hands made into binoculars and your vision improves tenfold. What about playing with rocks and seeing a whole city infront of you. I want to believe in impossibilities. I want the impossible in my heart once again. That is all I ask.

The best hand Ive held

I have held many hands.
Some were soft, limp
and pale with bland
salutes and markings from a
fork.
Some were thin, frail
from the weariness of trials
and tears pooling in the cusps
of what used to be palms.
Some were rough, cut
from the dirty work of love
handling from one girl to the next
Yours were...
tender, trembling because mine
were too.

The best hand Ive ever held was my own.

My sister asked me today what I want out of life....


I had no answer for a while. I sat there, gasping for an answer. One that would mean something. A statement so pure it would make your heart weep.. It never came.

What I want? I want you. I want me. I want ice-cream and silly knock-knock jokes. I want sunlight and red umbrellas. I want to havea lobster burn, freezer burn, brain freeze. I want the L word to mean something for once. I want to laugh out of life and cry into life. I think Im getting what i want out of life. Ive made decisions that made me look like a bitch and made me look like a saint. I am fantastically average and Im okay with that. Although, I dream things far beyond my capabilities... but I'd rather believe in them than in myself. So here's to the Congo for still fighting. This is what I want out of life. Its the point to which all my actions are taken.

I am happiest when I help you, feed you, clothe you, laugh with you, cry with you, scream with you. This is what I want out of life.

You, me, and this godforsaken mountain!

I havnt posted much lately on account of how fast paced life has been. I feel like I am reeling with so much to say and only ten fingers to say it with. Believe me, my tongue is faster.

I got accepted to Puget Sound! I could die of happiness. I dont think I can afford it though. I guess its a good esteem builder.

I went to OKC with my sister and Ceirra. It was so much fun. I feel like a whole person again. I left behind what has been haunting me and escorted it out the door. It feels good. Ive met some wonderful people in this past week as well. I needed to meet new people... more than you know. Anyways, the sun is beaming is last rays before the blink of the sunset comes. I believe its the most warm light, golden silk through my finger tips.

I went to a bookstore in OKC and found a new poet, well new to me. His name is Adam Zagajewski. So far, he is really good. He is raw, and I love that.

I have written alot lately, and will post soon.

Random fact I learned today, tampons are not flammable. : )

Fantastic day. : )

Except for the whole choking fiasco at lunch. Enough said.


I had a huge discussion with my mom tonight about money. My eyes are a little wider now, I did not realize how tight we were. It makes me not want to attend college.. to save money. Do I need a degree for what I want to do?? Not really. Education is a luxary. My dad is supposed to pay my mom a check every month for child support, but he is hurting too on money. I love how my mom approaches it. She told us it doesnt matter if he pays it or not, because SHE vowed to take care of us. He has his own demons.. and so do we. I hope I have that understanding nature like her. That even though people disappoint you, take a step outside of your body and see what they deal with. Would you do the same? That is something I always strive for. To connect with people. I want to understand you, because I dont understand myself. When I can see you, soul and mind, then maybe you can see me and describe what it is that keeps our hearts beating. What it is to love.

I watched a thing today over Scott Peterson and Lacey. It was heartbreaking. How can a guy with such good looks do such a thing. It makes you really think, is that guy sitting next to me contemplating different ways to kill me? Most likely not, but you never know. Maybe he is contemplating on how to hold my hand and tell me everything is alright. I like that much better. : )

Your Name

In the corner of
my swelling head,
is a piece of paper
crinkled up, used
with eraser marks

Written in pencil
is your name.
Letters diligently placed
over others less deserving

Slowly, as your lips move
the words Ive dreaded hearing
ever since the first I love you,
I take my eraser and watch
what I have made for you and I
dissappear.
Letter by letter, leg by leg
we untangle.
Lips pull away spitting out the
shavings that once said your name

The last letter, unfortunetly
placed.
I cant bear to take it,
to let you erase away.
I'll just let it stay there,
etched into the lines.

Leaving indentions
of your fingertips
onto mine.

Something

I went and played a college game tonight. It was alright. It was a girls game, so you know. Not many people there unfortunetly.

All the while, I had time to think. I am not what I expected myself to be. I am turning out... quite normal. I am a blonde, blue eyed, hopeless romantic, with dry humor. Sounds like an eHarmony add? Well Im not trying to sound like that. There is so much in this world that I have been offered and I have failed to take those offers up. Maybe I should change that. or, maybe I should make my own offers.

Some couples make me sick with their happiness. Enough already, spread the joy.

I am planning on doing a lot of biking over spring break. Can you say... 32 mile marathon?

Ive realized something, I need to let go, things are not changing. So, let go.

In the daylight

Today was a dream, a lane that had memory signs held up high. It was good though. I am one of those seasonal people... I cant remember what you call them. The sun was shining as if summer never ended, and for once, I was satisfied. The sunlight can do wonders. Best prescription for an aching...

A car was pulled over in front of me today. I just thanked myself for being so damn lucky.

Im okay with the way things are. Thats all I can be. Im okay with constant change. Gives me room for dexterity right?

I wish I could have this day all over again.

Love.

Naked

Here I am, naked
like a baby
taking their first
breath from recycled air,
from what you have taken
and so have I

soft white curves
slowly shift in complete
comfort as I watch you
play your mom's guitar
simple, yet beautiful
melody reverberating
in your lungs as if
that is all you know
You are all I know.

My ribs peak through
as I take in your lips
against mine.
I am naked.
You are free
to look deeper into
what my eyes want to tell you
We could never speak in words,
talking, moving our lips
and tongue to show how we
feel. Tied and twisted I learn
to speak through my body.
I am naked.

Not your average pot hole.

I saw something today. It was something I always had night terrors about. I need to get back to where Ive come from. In New Mexico, there was no judgement. It was mountain air, howling coyotes, pine trees and road runners. It was my life for such a short period, yet so strongly influences who I am right now.

I see beauty in everyone. Physical and something beyond that. Sometimes its harder to see, veiled behind an attitude or makeup, but it is certainly there. Because of that, I forgive too easily. I forgive my Father, the priest who said Im going to hell, the friend whose last words echo "bitch" in my ear, the bully who held me up by the throat because I had all A's and he didnt, and so on. I forgive because I understand. I see their pain, and feel their pain. I feel sorry for Tiger Woods. How sad. I never forget though. Do not be confused with holding grudges. Those are too hard on me. I'll always remember that bully for doing such an ugly and humiliating thing, but I hope he is well now.

Alone With Everybody

the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.

there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.


-Bukowski

Skillet on the Stove, it's such a temptation.

The worst part of a trip is the first step into the house you so badly wanted to leave. Weatgerford was a real nice change and I met some really cool people. Chill, no drama, no ulterior motives. I walked into that Quartz Mountain try out one person and walked out whole different one. It was spiritual in a way. I sat and did what I love most, writing. It was art from me. Things that are pinned up inside me; put to pen and paper. I had to evaluate everything about myself. There were things that I wanted to kick a wall for, and others smile. I got through it, and loved myself once again. What a wonderful feeling.

I am trying to shy away from lyrics... but this song is amazing.

Love grows in me like a tumor,
parasites bent on devouring its host.

Doesnt really relate to me, but man, love the song.


I am exhausted today, driving for so long wears you out for some reason... even though your just sitting there...?

Road Trip!

To weatherford... Oklahoma. Yeah exciting huh? I didnt get lost once... except for when we were in Tulsa. Its quite embarassing actually; to get lost in your own town. How pathetic.

As I was driving in the dark, moon glazing over the surface of everything in sight. Everthing has a thin layer of moon icing. I thought about all that has happened.. to me.. to others. What oppressing circumstances people must go through everyday. Every minute, second, moment... It completely depressed me for a minute. The weight of the world on my shoulders..(cliche I know). All at once, I felt all emotions. The grey areas of feelings disappeared in my eyes. It was a burning weight that I can't really describe, other than saying, I was the only object in the moons light that didn't have that layer of icing. I was not glazed over. I felt so intense. Muscles were sore from so much surging through my body. Im driving, not zoning out or in, but zoning. I hope that makes sense. It was like all that was around me, I was completely aware of. The shift in gears as my lead foot pressed even harder. The whirring of the heater. The clicking of the cracks in the Highway meeting my car. Oh, how I love that click clack of highway. It was chipping away all that was left in Owasso from me. I left a part of me behind, in hopes of making myself new again. Can you blame me?

It is condescending to say that people dont have soul. Who said you had one?

Cold Medicine and Xanax.

Quick catch up:

I have been in a daze these past few days. I have the worlds biggest sniffles. People in Texas can hear me. Cold medicine has become my food of choice, and Xanax my sleep buddy. I found out grandfather pipes arnt as cool as they look. They are high maintenance for sure.

It rained the other day. No, bigger than that, it was God's biggest break down. Puddles and puddles of water everywhere. It didnt even smell good, like good rain does. For the first time, I got splashed by a car. I didnt get wet though. It just took over my windshield and almost caused me to wreck. I literally screamed in my car like a killer just opened the door, and stopped, looking around to realize that it was just water... I was embarassed. People were laughing. I was just really surprised.

Speaking of which, the strangest thing happened today. As I was waiting in traffic to turn onto the highway, this SUV next to me started honking. Kids in the car (about my age but with sideways hats...) started pointing at me. One opened their door and tried to get into my car. I dont know who they were or what they were trying to do but all I know is, I got out of there quickly. Weird, weird, weird.

Strange thing, relationships are. One moment, its strong and encouraging.. and the next it is a complete failure. No communication. I have realized something. I think those people who cannot get up and forgive what has happened in the past, are too afraid of looking at the future. Grudges are held with such force, it takes away from now. A lack of color, if you will. I looked into someones eyes the other day, and saw grey. It made me really sad to see, because a couple months ago, they were the brightest eyes. I believe the eye is a window to your inner soul, or whatever. I hate saying heart because I only think of the shape instead of that real being inside you. I havnt come up with a name for it yet. Its your soul... but closer. My eyes, have become duller as well, Im afraid. The prospects of college and change in my life has caused it so. I think, that they are changing colors, instead. From a bright blue, to a more intense one. Strong one. I dont know. I am not the same person I was, not two weeks ago. I am stronger. My (whatever) isnt broken or destroyed, the stitches have only been loosened.

A hurt soul, leaves more room for love. A soul never cracked, is the most sad indeed. Because of all we go through, including my self, I know what it means to put yourself at risk again. That is when you know you love somebody. Truly love. When after all you've been through, you still take a chance. I appreciate that in anyone.

Enough about that. I havnt heard from University of Puget Sound yet... it makes me... wait. Fast forward please.

ElK

Starship

Went to starship today. : ) Love that place.

I decided that Im not going on facebook for a while. Its too painful. Plus, I dont want to live vicariously through a computer. I feel like its better this way. Go out there and live in the real world. Im not saying anything is wrong with facebook, but do you ever feel like your just advertising yourself? Almost like a free eHarmony? Sometimes I do. Facebook is also one of those things where you can spy on people. Why are conversations public? I dont know. I must be becoming old minded or something. Im so anti-technology sometimes. Well, sorry for that rant. Moving on.

I wore a dress today, and felt absolutely fantastic. You cant have a bad day in a dress, ever. Unless, its real windy. Then, you might want to wear shorts. The wind in the trees sound like the ocean. Gummy sand and salty water sounds so remarkable right now. I have this intense urge to just get away. I need change and quick. How can a town be so suffocating? New faces, new places, and a new me. I would like that to-go, please.

Postal Service= My heroes.

Love,

ELK

Wells

I see the deep wells
in your glittering eyes
fifty feet, I fall
into the tidal wave,
caught in you

I sway
a dark shade looms
over, especially at night
when moments of ecstasy
bubble up, fillig every part of me
flowing, moving, splashing
then calm
so still I can see
my reflection, colors so overwhelming
I can feel the tingling sensation of love
I never stepped in the same puddle twice
Each time, different from before
I dive, feeling every
part of your smooth skin
against mine

Your eyes are wells, so deep
I cant breath.

Its what keeps the soul full

I will be trying out for Quartz Mountain. I am scared out of my mind. If I dont get in, I wont be upset though. Sure, dissappointed, but I know it is not the end of writing for me. It just tells me I need to broaden my sights for it.

I went over to my Dads today, whom I havent seen or talked to since Christmas. The sad thing is, is that he lives 3 miles from my mom's house. He wanted to make beef bouguinonne (sp), which is the most delicious meal Ive ever had. One thing that dad has going for him is cooking. It was nice too, because he wanted to know about my breakup. Talking with him made me realize, I havnt talked to a guy about this before. Its always been girls. He gave me a good perspective on things, and now I dont expect much more. It sort of finalized what has really happened. It helped me, in a way move on. Dad made me realize that I can love him enough to let him go. He needs to find himself, find who he wants, find happiness. It is nothing I could have helped with and I hope he finds it. I hope he finds a girl who can inspire him to grow and love and see the sun in the sky and smile. Just as I hope he wants that for me. I think we all desperately need that. Well, maybe not need... We all desire. As I have found out, we can all survive without them. We can survive, but it is a deprivation that no physical, tangible force could inflict.

Love is what keeps the soul full. Intellect, keeps the conversation interesting. That is what I have concluded from past posts.


My dad started a fire, it made that hissing sound that can only be associated with it. The crackles, heard in dreams and stories, are right here in my living room. Some how, I find solace here. Its a comfort from childhood. A warm blanket, creamy hot chocolate, the breeze smelling of wood and sunflowers are all that are taking up my thoughts right now. It was so much simpler back then. No tormenting thoughts when no one is around, or night terrors, leaving you cold and covered in sweat. Sheets tangled, so tossled and wadded that you swear there was someone underneath them.Instead, the fire and about five feet around it is the only thing you can see. Everything else, vanished into the night's embrace. Every now and then, the howling or rustling of a nearby monster makes contact from the outside world. You are only safe because you are with your dad. Who, above anyone else, will protect you from your own imagination. Who, above any other guy, will always have your heart.

I care too much.

These past few days have been quite busy indeed.

I wrote a poem tonight, but then I ripped it up. I found beauty in destruction. I was on my way to the flea market today, but wound up in a Monster Truck convention instead... I didnt know there were so many fans haha. Once I finally made it to the actual flea market, I was surprised at how many old people were there. I dont know why, but I had something entirely different in my mind. Things smelled like old homes. Old stuff, and horses. I found two finds that I have been thinking about for quite a while. I was really excited about it.

After that, I went to Cheap thrills for some good thrifting. I didnt thrift after all though. I got into some deep discussions with the guy that works there. Turns out he smoked for fifteen years and recently quit. It was the hardest thing in his life to do. But, he did it. He is such a nice guy and knows me and remembers me, what I do, where I go and so on. Its hard to find that now-a-days.

Tonight, at the basketball game, I talked with a guy that is going through some of the same things I am. He has a broken home, has trouble finding himself. I see him, day to day, struggling. And I hate myself sometimes because I dont always reach out to help him. Tonight I did. I care about him. I care that he doesnt feel like he fits in. I care too much sometimes. Actually I just care too much, period. My heart continually swells. It hurts. I hurt for him. I hurt for my mom, and the guy that got picked on. The person that has lost their color for life. The old friend that wants nothing to do with me, yet I want everything to do with them. The new friend that had a terrible past. The acquaintance that deals with wayyy too much drama. I care about that teacher that struggles to keep their class together. I take in that friend that doesnt have a real home any more.

I let you in, because no one let me in.

and for that, my soul is on pins and needles.

my smile is slightly tainted by your frown

my laugh is a little darker, by your anger

my sigh is heavier, by your indifference




All of this is killing me. I dont know how much more I can take. When something is swept from you, what do you do?

I want so badly for the world to be right. For friends to stay friends, and lovers, lovers. I want so badly for you to see me, and I to see you.

Trust me, I see you.

I had an interesting day. It started out this morning with a text from Alberto saying I didnt have to pick him up today... It was a blessing. I got to sleep in. Dont get me wrong I love alberto, but I also love sleep. I need to balance out the two.

School, is school. enough said. For the first time in my life, I have two D's. Its crazy.

I went to poetry club tonight. I was so happy to see so many people writing poetry. They are such good writers! I sat at the end of this group and was completely terrified. I took a poetry class last semester, but it was online. So it wasnt terribly interactive. Its different reading infront of live people. They finally all convinced me to read one of mine and I thought my soul was taken out of my chest for everyone to see and judge. I went ahead and read it and afterwards they all snapped and said they loved it. I cant tell you how much of a self-esteem booster that is.

Ive been really up and down lately. One minute, Im happy, and the next it all just breaks apart. I dont know if I am just trying to smile away my emotions or if it is just being happy. Its a strange feeling. Today is a real good example of this. I was good, happy, all through school. After school, I had lessons and did errands and such and then took my sister out to eat. Im not going to say what happened but my heart was thumping out of my chest when I left. It was so heavy and thick I swear it flattened my stomach. My cheeks were redder than firestone embers, I swear to god.

Anyways, Sunset was absolutely stunning today as well. I love how brightly dim the sun is at sunset. You can stare at the sun without blinding yourself. Its quite amazing.

Splitting Headache

I woke this morning with such a headache I think my right brain had a boxing match with the left. Maybe its from the perma-frown Ive been sporting lately. Who knows. I came home today early, for two strict reasons. I hate school, and recovery of possible missing teeth from the apparent boxing match.

I walk in the door of my shoebox home, and find Alfie, my dog, dutifully waiting exactly where I left him this morning. Can you say Loyalty? My god, I wish I had that much tenacity. I lay down, and he comes and licks my hands until my finger prints fall off. Finally, after a thorough bath from alfie, I decided to see if House, my favorite show was recorded. It was not.... but in its holy place, Becoming Jane was recorded. Its just as well, why not have a completely depressing movie about love boost my spirits? Honestly the story of Jane Austen is both beautiful and tragic. I was thinking about it and I would rather run away with my true love and live not as affluent as I might have been with some bore, or no one at all. I would rather lose social standing, success, wealth, nice dinners, for a life with the ones that truly care for me and I to them. Like e.e. cummings said " Kisses are a better fate than wisdom". I happen to completely agree. If, by lucky circumstances you are blessed with a superb education, I warn you. Please do not let your intelligence get to your head.

The other day, I was incandescently enamored by a sunset. The colors, reds, purples, yellows, blues... it was beyond any comprehensable beauty. It is nothing a paint brush could imitate, or a photograph could capture. I made the mistake of trying to share my enthusiasm. They did not recieve it like I had. I must be completely honest, it depressed me. I was so sad, because I know of only one other person that saw things like I do. That depressed me even more. I cannot even share these moments with that person any longer. I can say -shoulda, woulda, coulda- but it wont help anything. It just deepens my wounds even atmore. I guess this could be a way Jane Austen felt. Abandoned for something else. She was only left with a pen andparchment.

Im ready for change, anything. I can leave, I can stay, I just need something else to change. Im in the middle, awaiting my enext four years, and still remembering my last four. Its trapping, and I need some release. That is my reflection.

Its okay for change. I look at what I have inside me, and I feel like I blew out my own flame. what used to be me, has turned quite grey recently. I am a shell of what I could be. Ive been to hell and back again. Days and nights have meshed together in desperation to direct my mind on other things other than what I should have been working through. I cant cry, somehow my body knows if I let the drips of pain seep out, I will truly lose it. I CAN LOVE. Somehow I forgot I could do that. YOU CAN LOVE TOO. This world is full of things that I can never fully understand. Why people fall out of love, why people fall in love. How you can lose patience or hope. I am a victim, but I dont know my attacker. Why cant things find resolution?

Gas Light

Tonight, after the game, my gas light came on. Reminding me of how empty I really am. Oh... and my gas tank.

I was late for my college exam today. I couldnt find my keys, that was missplaced in.. my purse. Go figure. Im losing it a bit. I believe.

Im getting pretty good at denying my emotions. Ha.

I have nothing deep or emotional to share today. I just feel... numb.

reflection tomorrow.








HAHAHA randomly found this on my quest for a picture. Oh, the memories.

Falling Slowly

Yesterday, was amazing. Not because of the people I met or the people I was with, but because I realized something. Everybody is beautiful! I sound like a complete fruitcake... and I dont care. I was at Shades of Brown and watched a guy from Colorado sing his lungs out. I never saw so much raw emotion. I got to talk with him afterwards and I admire everything he is doing. He is personally touring around the US and playing and singing with his beat-up guitar. It was so beautiful. There were these two other girls, Mandi and Erin. Mandi sounded exactly like Regina Spektor, but with her own style. I adore Regina and loved what Mandi did. I got to talk with her as well. I sat there, watching these people do what they love, and I loved what they were doing. I would look around and see the man in the corner, wearing all black, brighten from the sweetly raw songs. Couples came, single, lonely, independent. All rightfully deserving of love. I sat there, with my sister and loved her. Valentines day is a day of love, of EVERYONE. Not just your sweety, or last minute pick-up. I made Emily's night. We went to the center of the universe and screamed so loud, I swear my mom heard in Owasso. The only thing I regret is I screamed things I didnt mean. Things, that I want to believe are true, and the thought of letting them out of my body might make them come true... I thought wrong. I just felt bad afterwards.

You are what nightmares are for.

I cant sleep anymore. Dreams are not an escape.




I figured out, if I have emily with me, I can stay out as long as I want. Mom didnt even care we tiptoed into the house at 2:30 a.m. Weirdest logistics...

I heard Falling Slowly from Once at CHOCHS, I cried.

Bah Humbug

Valentines Day is everyday. I dont need one day to express my love for someone. Although, roses are always nice : ) What can I say, Im weak for flowers. Maybe not roses though, I like summer flowers better. Any kind. When I was in switzerland I picked flowers everywhere and stuck them in my journal. They still smell like the moutains. I want so badly to go back.

Last nights dream consisted of me doing laundry... Yeah, sleep should be more eventful.

I went with my friend last night to downtown, sandsprings, broken arrow and then owasso. We rapped like straight up G's. Went into an Adult Super Store out of PURE curiosity. It was weird... to say the least. It was one of those stores where you can rent a video and go into a room for a couple minutes... I guy couldnt take in his jacket lol. When we were leaving the beer belly owner yelled " Come back and see us!" .... yeah right.

I am your bathtub
I let you in
into my warmth
and bubbly laughs

Take a step in,
but I caution
I am warm and naive
Ill let you take my heat
and bath full of tears

I snuggle close,
breathing on your
bruised skin
tears heal the broken




I am officially celebrating Chinese New Year, ONLY.

Hellava night

I went over to Shirley's house : )

I had REAL chinese food. I never want to eat at a buffet again.. period.
I had a talk with Megan today, she knows what she is talking about for sure. Ever have a problem? She is the go-to man.




What I really love,
is the sparks
flying on the road
in my rear view mirror

Its freedom
marked by smoke
stained fingers

Its Fourth of July
My favorite
time to kill,
time to see,
what beauty is behind
in one smoke ring

The sun still shines above the clouds..

Saw someone use a nettie pot today.... disgusting. I had to put that out there. Im not ever using one. Ill just medicate instead.

Speaking of medicine.

I need to take a little bit
of my own medicine...
here, take it first and see
if there are any side effects.


2-09-10

A fake gold chain
tangled with stirling
silver, a diamond, once
laced around my neck

One came from a quarter
machine at pizza hut
one was a present
from my father, Grandmother's
heirloom, Best friend
bracelet, the one I thought
I lost, the one I never forgot,
homemade, Impulse
buy, there's one,
a necklace...
he bought me for christmas.

Swollen fingers pull
red with effort, sore with
emotion. Twisted, locked,
fake, real, cheap, long, short,
serious, sincere...


tears drip at loose ends






I think this is beautiful : )

Love who you are

I am not writing about love tonight. For now, Im done with it. I want to talk about my night. I had a huge AP Biology project to do with Shirley, Vincent, and Carissa. We all had a talk about race. Vincent, a philipino, Shirley, chinese, Carissa (Spanish/Latino) and me.. white. It opened my eyes even further. What they thought of Americans.. how we..well, they, label. I am mostly Croatian and second generation in America. It really shows how much a label can hurt. I saw a documentary about a Chinese woman that married an African man, they had a child and didnt know what to check on the race on the birth certificate. They had to check "Other" on it. It made me sad in a way, we humans want so badly to label everything. We want to define it down to the atom. Things we cannot even see. I am content on just knowing that I am alive and free and happy. I dont need to see a mexican, asian, european, indian, etc. I need to see PEOPLE that love and cry all the same. That have disappointments and dreams, sacrifices and sucess. I saw tonight that there is sooooo much more than what meets the eye. I plan to reach out to more people, more than I have been.

This world is full of possibilities. Owasso, is a small, small fraction of what there is to be offered. I dont want to get hung up on things here because how much does it really effect the rest of my life? Why get hung up on drugs, alcohol, etc.?? why? I can go graffiti for danger, or go skinny dipping in the cold, or dance at a gay club. There are so many things in reality that are amazing, I dont want another realm to deal with. Loss of control and gripping of things here that are so precious and important. Like those that I love so dearly. I would lose them all with drugs. I wouldnt be able to live with my self. Once and a while is okay, to maybe say you tried pot or whatever but... not a habit. Not something that could potentially be harmful to me and my family. I couldnt do that to them. I love too deeply to do that.

What a day

I am setting out to find something. I am setting out to search for someone that truly loves. I want what everyone wants. But, I also want to love someone, completely for who they are. Can you say that you have done that? Do you love someone for everything they are? Do you hate a quirk about them? I grant that everyone can get on peoples nerves. But can you still love being irritated by them?
It is the very essence of unconditional love.

Nights are the worst for me. I think too much... and love unconditionally.

Last Night

I have to say, I firmly believe things happen for a reason. I talked with Matt last night at the Basketball game. He was exactly who I needed to talk to. He dated this girl for two years, the girl cheated and treated him badly. She broke up with him. He was heart broken... He told me how he felt afterwards and it was astonishing how I mirror him. He always loved her. Now, they are together and have even stronger feelings for her. She changed and he changed. Before, it just wasnt the right time for them. They both needed to grow as individuals. Granted, its highschool. But I disagree with the stigma of "highschool" relationships. I think its still love, no matter what time it is in your life. You can finally fall in love at 80 or 10. I think its the same. I witnessed a guy truly in love with his girlfriend. I saw the way he talked about her and almost convinced me to love her as well. He explained that no one is perfect, and its the imperfections that make people fall in love. Imperfection is perfect.

I am not expecting to find what he has, it is rare and should be cherished adamently. I ,now, have hope that I may find that. Maybe, this year isnt my time. Maybe, just maybe, its later. I will love again. I will fall in love again. Have butterflies, tumble incandescently in love, smile, and be happy. Now, I just have to learn how to open up again, to accept what has happened and find happiness in other things. I am thankful to have the friends that I have and family. They make me happy. Poetry is my food; Writing, my escape. I have it all with me. I just need to open my eyes and see it. I am willing to be patient and not make myself suffer because things didnt work out like I wanted them too. This goes for anything. Any kind of heartbreak.

Shit happens, its up to you to get the scooper out and move on. Disappointment is behind any door you open, just dont let that bastard in.

Still

I still love him...
for now, I stay there
Im in no hurry.
Why make myself forget
the unforgettable?

Over

And the only thing left
between us,
was the cigarette
between my teeth.

Strange things

Its a strange place,
Coming and going,
As the years turn to decades
As this cigarette burns out.

It's in my head
That maybe time will slow down
Maybe time will change me
I hope I will burn out

Burn with the changing of leaves
From green to brown
Lie softly underneath
Thin ice and snow

Lessons Learned

Tonight...

I need to type this out, so sorry for making so many blogs.

My days have been filled with grief. I started this blog to help me recover. I am being honest. So if you dont like hearing what I say, read a happier blog.

My mom and I got in a fight tonight. It really wasnt a fight, more like a screaming match.. but one sided. Mom screamed so loud it sounded like a cat was dying. She was so emotional that I turned completely unemotional. I was platonic. I didnt say a word, partly in fear of saying the wrong thing and partly because if I opened my mouth, my stomach would lurch out. I realized that I have problems. I am a statistic. Mom is divorced, boyfriend lives with us... well in the back room, sister never cries, and I am forgetful and rebellious. Someone very close to me said once, "your problems wear me down." I cant tell you how much that hurt me. But tonight, I realize that my own problems weigh me down too. Im am completely torn apart. I am spread to the point that vulnerability cannot comprehend the idea. A leaf falls on my heart, and I swear I will lose it all.

The fact is... I didnt say a word. ME, a girl with a thousand words couldnt speak. I was speechless. I am speechless. Its such a chore to even come up with something to say... to those that are directly related.

I want to apologize, for ever criticing someone unable to speak. I am deeply sorry. I know that person I should be apologizing to wont read this... but I need it out there at least. I was wrong to push anything from you. I now, too, know how is feels. I know that words, sometimes, cannot express what is inside you. Words are not enough, nothing is enough.


I am sorry.

Sunset

Today, was a day for sure. I know because the sun came up and set on this beautiful man at Applebees. Megan,very blessed, is training him. He had hazel/green eyes and a super white smile. For the first time in a long time, I checked out a guy. I know this sounds weird. When I was with my previous, I never really saw other guys. Never really flirted.. much or anything. I considered leaving my number... but Im not ready yet. I want to be completely over it. It just reminded me that there is more out there than him. It was a good first baby step to moving on. Honestly, I had no intention of doing anything more than looking at him. Considering.. but not really. Its just like seeing a cute shirt... but it wouldnt fit right.. not for me. Id rather wear my favorite Tee shirt.

Wrote a poem.. posting lata.

Weight

I have known the unyielding support of a bench
especially when in rows, fatigue from his speech,
the weight of the book of Psalms, thin paper easily torn,
pencils too small for your hand, asking for penance,
obligating onlookers hoping for you to open your heart,
burning bibles smoking a hole through your soul,
Lonely widows wiping dust off their ring fingers,
Lament at the pew, heaviness in the bread and wine.
And I have seen so called miracles at his steps,
sent down from an unseen, intangible angel,
struck into the heart of the sick and fickle,
electrified within the congregation, down to the ground
they pray, holding the generic, diamand crucifix.

Breathe

Its time to make myself new.

I wrote an entire poem in the car today. In my head of cours... and now I cant remember it. Maybe its better that way. Im not surprised though, my memory is terrible. Some of my best poems are forgotten.

I also want to start reading a new poet, whoever reads this, I need suggestions. I guess thats what google is for.

New quote of the day "because if seeing is believing, then believe that we lost our eyes" Goosebumps much?

I have no real point today. Maybe I'll really Blog later... or a poem might show up, if I remember.

Road Love

Late for work
full of love
and satisfaction
I have seen worse days
where skys were blue.

I let him pass me,
flashing a smile
maybe he will smile back.
I could only wish
he would return the favor

I commited road love
waving, winking,
licking my lips,
and mouthing I
love you.

Fireflies

Last night was a late night for me. I stayed up until about four thirty. It was weird because I was past the point of tired. Its when your eyes are sorta sore but all you can do is keep them open and think...

Here is what I thought about.

Last summer, as mentioned before, I rode my bike all the time. I bought it after I came home from Europe. Long story short, in switzerland, I rented an electric bike to tour the Crans Montana mountainscape. I fell completely in love with the feeling. It was honestly, bliss. Nothing went wrong. It was a day only seen in movies. They are so rare and I will always treasure that. Unfortunetly, I thought I could duplicate that feeling back home. So, with money I earned for dedicating night shift with grandma, (it was a Hospice Job, I wasnt pilfering money from my dear ol' grandma lol), I set out and bought a vintage red bike. I spent an entire evening attaching a basket as well. It was at first a disappointment. There was not all the glamour and happiness I felt before. Until, a certain chain of events happened. I was hurting and couldnt find a way to find peace. I started riding that bike everyday in the park. Sometimes, when needed, several times a day. I couldnt sit still, because that permitted me to think.

It was a memory on my bike. It was late at night, probably midnight or so. I couldnt sit, sleep, or eat. So I rode my bike. I know everyone has one of these memories. Where you can think back and almost feel as if you are there. I was riding along, listening to Death Cab for Cutie and Etta James when all of a sudden I was surrounded, COMPLETELY, by fireflies. It was one of the most beautiful things I ever saw. It was like the stars came down to shine and to maybe pay a visit. In and out the glow of the fireflies swarmed around me. I started to feel a foreign feeling. Something I forgot about. I was happy. I was crying I was so happy. All the pain from life just melted away. It was at that instant I knew I would be okay. I don't know how fireflies could be so powerful. I dont really care. I felt.

Manchester Orchestra (I can feel a hot one)- "and I looked like a painting I once knew"

I want that painting back. In time I suppose.