Road Trip!

To weatherford... Oklahoma. Yeah exciting huh? I didnt get lost once... except for when we were in Tulsa. Its quite embarassing actually; to get lost in your own town. How pathetic.

As I was driving in the dark, moon glazing over the surface of everything in sight. Everthing has a thin layer of moon icing. I thought about all that has happened.. to me.. to others. What oppressing circumstances people must go through everyday. Every minute, second, moment... It completely depressed me for a minute. The weight of the world on my shoulders..(cliche I know). All at once, I felt all emotions. The grey areas of feelings disappeared in my eyes. It was a burning weight that I can't really describe, other than saying, I was the only object in the moons light that didn't have that layer of icing. I was not glazed over. I felt so intense. Muscles were sore from so much surging through my body. Im driving, not zoning out or in, but zoning. I hope that makes sense. It was like all that was around me, I was completely aware of. The shift in gears as my lead foot pressed even harder. The whirring of the heater. The clicking of the cracks in the Highway meeting my car. Oh, how I love that click clack of highway. It was chipping away all that was left in Owasso from me. I left a part of me behind, in hopes of making myself new again. Can you blame me?

It is condescending to say that people dont have soul. Who said you had one?

Cold Medicine and Xanax.

Quick catch up:

I have been in a daze these past few days. I have the worlds biggest sniffles. People in Texas can hear me. Cold medicine has become my food of choice, and Xanax my sleep buddy. I found out grandfather pipes arnt as cool as they look. They are high maintenance for sure.

It rained the other day. No, bigger than that, it was God's biggest break down. Puddles and puddles of water everywhere. It didnt even smell good, like good rain does. For the first time, I got splashed by a car. I didnt get wet though. It just took over my windshield and almost caused me to wreck. I literally screamed in my car like a killer just opened the door, and stopped, looking around to realize that it was just water... I was embarassed. People were laughing. I was just really surprised.

Speaking of which, the strangest thing happened today. As I was waiting in traffic to turn onto the highway, this SUV next to me started honking. Kids in the car (about my age but with sideways hats...) started pointing at me. One opened their door and tried to get into my car. I dont know who they were or what they were trying to do but all I know is, I got out of there quickly. Weird, weird, weird.

Strange thing, relationships are. One moment, its strong and encouraging.. and the next it is a complete failure. No communication. I have realized something. I think those people who cannot get up and forgive what has happened in the past, are too afraid of looking at the future. Grudges are held with such force, it takes away from now. A lack of color, if you will. I looked into someones eyes the other day, and saw grey. It made me really sad to see, because a couple months ago, they were the brightest eyes. I believe the eye is a window to your inner soul, or whatever. I hate saying heart because I only think of the shape instead of that real being inside you. I havnt come up with a name for it yet. Its your soul... but closer. My eyes, have become duller as well, Im afraid. The prospects of college and change in my life has caused it so. I think, that they are changing colors, instead. From a bright blue, to a more intense one. Strong one. I dont know. I am not the same person I was, not two weeks ago. I am stronger. My (whatever) isnt broken or destroyed, the stitches have only been loosened.

A hurt soul, leaves more room for love. A soul never cracked, is the most sad indeed. Because of all we go through, including my self, I know what it means to put yourself at risk again. That is when you know you love somebody. Truly love. When after all you've been through, you still take a chance. I appreciate that in anyone.

Enough about that. I havnt heard from University of Puget Sound yet... it makes me... wait. Fast forward please.

ElK

Starship

Went to starship today. : ) Love that place.

I decided that Im not going on facebook for a while. Its too painful. Plus, I dont want to live vicariously through a computer. I feel like its better this way. Go out there and live in the real world. Im not saying anything is wrong with facebook, but do you ever feel like your just advertising yourself? Almost like a free eHarmony? Sometimes I do. Facebook is also one of those things where you can spy on people. Why are conversations public? I dont know. I must be becoming old minded or something. Im so anti-technology sometimes. Well, sorry for that rant. Moving on.

I wore a dress today, and felt absolutely fantastic. You cant have a bad day in a dress, ever. Unless, its real windy. Then, you might want to wear shorts. The wind in the trees sound like the ocean. Gummy sand and salty water sounds so remarkable right now. I have this intense urge to just get away. I need change and quick. How can a town be so suffocating? New faces, new places, and a new me. I would like that to-go, please.

Postal Service= My heroes.

Love,

ELK

Wells

I see the deep wells
in your glittering eyes
fifty feet, I fall
into the tidal wave,
caught in you

I sway
a dark shade looms
over, especially at night
when moments of ecstasy
bubble up, fillig every part of me
flowing, moving, splashing
then calm
so still I can see
my reflection, colors so overwhelming
I can feel the tingling sensation of love
I never stepped in the same puddle twice
Each time, different from before
I dive, feeling every
part of your smooth skin
against mine

Your eyes are wells, so deep
I cant breath.

Its what keeps the soul full

I will be trying out for Quartz Mountain. I am scared out of my mind. If I dont get in, I wont be upset though. Sure, dissappointed, but I know it is not the end of writing for me. It just tells me I need to broaden my sights for it.

I went over to my Dads today, whom I havent seen or talked to since Christmas. The sad thing is, is that he lives 3 miles from my mom's house. He wanted to make beef bouguinonne (sp), which is the most delicious meal Ive ever had. One thing that dad has going for him is cooking. It was nice too, because he wanted to know about my breakup. Talking with him made me realize, I havnt talked to a guy about this before. Its always been girls. He gave me a good perspective on things, and now I dont expect much more. It sort of finalized what has really happened. It helped me, in a way move on. Dad made me realize that I can love him enough to let him go. He needs to find himself, find who he wants, find happiness. It is nothing I could have helped with and I hope he finds it. I hope he finds a girl who can inspire him to grow and love and see the sun in the sky and smile. Just as I hope he wants that for me. I think we all desperately need that. Well, maybe not need... We all desire. As I have found out, we can all survive without them. We can survive, but it is a deprivation that no physical, tangible force could inflict.

Love is what keeps the soul full. Intellect, keeps the conversation interesting. That is what I have concluded from past posts.


My dad started a fire, it made that hissing sound that can only be associated with it. The crackles, heard in dreams and stories, are right here in my living room. Some how, I find solace here. Its a comfort from childhood. A warm blanket, creamy hot chocolate, the breeze smelling of wood and sunflowers are all that are taking up my thoughts right now. It was so much simpler back then. No tormenting thoughts when no one is around, or night terrors, leaving you cold and covered in sweat. Sheets tangled, so tossled and wadded that you swear there was someone underneath them.Instead, the fire and about five feet around it is the only thing you can see. Everything else, vanished into the night's embrace. Every now and then, the howling or rustling of a nearby monster makes contact from the outside world. You are only safe because you are with your dad. Who, above anyone else, will protect you from your own imagination. Who, above any other guy, will always have your heart.

I care too much.

These past few days have been quite busy indeed.

I wrote a poem tonight, but then I ripped it up. I found beauty in destruction. I was on my way to the flea market today, but wound up in a Monster Truck convention instead... I didnt know there were so many fans haha. Once I finally made it to the actual flea market, I was surprised at how many old people were there. I dont know why, but I had something entirely different in my mind. Things smelled like old homes. Old stuff, and horses. I found two finds that I have been thinking about for quite a while. I was really excited about it.

After that, I went to Cheap thrills for some good thrifting. I didnt thrift after all though. I got into some deep discussions with the guy that works there. Turns out he smoked for fifteen years and recently quit. It was the hardest thing in his life to do. But, he did it. He is such a nice guy and knows me and remembers me, what I do, where I go and so on. Its hard to find that now-a-days.

Tonight, at the basketball game, I talked with a guy that is going through some of the same things I am. He has a broken home, has trouble finding himself. I see him, day to day, struggling. And I hate myself sometimes because I dont always reach out to help him. Tonight I did. I care about him. I care that he doesnt feel like he fits in. I care too much sometimes. Actually I just care too much, period. My heart continually swells. It hurts. I hurt for him. I hurt for my mom, and the guy that got picked on. The person that has lost their color for life. The old friend that wants nothing to do with me, yet I want everything to do with them. The new friend that had a terrible past. The acquaintance that deals with wayyy too much drama. I care about that teacher that struggles to keep their class together. I take in that friend that doesnt have a real home any more.

I let you in, because no one let me in.

and for that, my soul is on pins and needles.

my smile is slightly tainted by your frown

my laugh is a little darker, by your anger

my sigh is heavier, by your indifference




All of this is killing me. I dont know how much more I can take. When something is swept from you, what do you do?

I want so badly for the world to be right. For friends to stay friends, and lovers, lovers. I want so badly for you to see me, and I to see you.

Trust me, I see you.

I had an interesting day. It started out this morning with a text from Alberto saying I didnt have to pick him up today... It was a blessing. I got to sleep in. Dont get me wrong I love alberto, but I also love sleep. I need to balance out the two.

School, is school. enough said. For the first time in my life, I have two D's. Its crazy.

I went to poetry club tonight. I was so happy to see so many people writing poetry. They are such good writers! I sat at the end of this group and was completely terrified. I took a poetry class last semester, but it was online. So it wasnt terribly interactive. Its different reading infront of live people. They finally all convinced me to read one of mine and I thought my soul was taken out of my chest for everyone to see and judge. I went ahead and read it and afterwards they all snapped and said they loved it. I cant tell you how much of a self-esteem booster that is.

Ive been really up and down lately. One minute, Im happy, and the next it all just breaks apart. I dont know if I am just trying to smile away my emotions or if it is just being happy. Its a strange feeling. Today is a real good example of this. I was good, happy, all through school. After school, I had lessons and did errands and such and then took my sister out to eat. Im not going to say what happened but my heart was thumping out of my chest when I left. It was so heavy and thick I swear it flattened my stomach. My cheeks were redder than firestone embers, I swear to god.

Anyways, Sunset was absolutely stunning today as well. I love how brightly dim the sun is at sunset. You can stare at the sun without blinding yourself. Its quite amazing.

Splitting Headache

I woke this morning with such a headache I think my right brain had a boxing match with the left. Maybe its from the perma-frown Ive been sporting lately. Who knows. I came home today early, for two strict reasons. I hate school, and recovery of possible missing teeth from the apparent boxing match.

I walk in the door of my shoebox home, and find Alfie, my dog, dutifully waiting exactly where I left him this morning. Can you say Loyalty? My god, I wish I had that much tenacity. I lay down, and he comes and licks my hands until my finger prints fall off. Finally, after a thorough bath from alfie, I decided to see if House, my favorite show was recorded. It was not.... but in its holy place, Becoming Jane was recorded. Its just as well, why not have a completely depressing movie about love boost my spirits? Honestly the story of Jane Austen is both beautiful and tragic. I was thinking about it and I would rather run away with my true love and live not as affluent as I might have been with some bore, or no one at all. I would rather lose social standing, success, wealth, nice dinners, for a life with the ones that truly care for me and I to them. Like e.e. cummings said " Kisses are a better fate than wisdom". I happen to completely agree. If, by lucky circumstances you are blessed with a superb education, I warn you. Please do not let your intelligence get to your head.

The other day, I was incandescently enamored by a sunset. The colors, reds, purples, yellows, blues... it was beyond any comprehensable beauty. It is nothing a paint brush could imitate, or a photograph could capture. I made the mistake of trying to share my enthusiasm. They did not recieve it like I had. I must be completely honest, it depressed me. I was so sad, because I know of only one other person that saw things like I do. That depressed me even more. I cannot even share these moments with that person any longer. I can say -shoulda, woulda, coulda- but it wont help anything. It just deepens my wounds even atmore. I guess this could be a way Jane Austen felt. Abandoned for something else. She was only left with a pen andparchment.

Im ready for change, anything. I can leave, I can stay, I just need something else to change. Im in the middle, awaiting my enext four years, and still remembering my last four. Its trapping, and I need some release. That is my reflection.

Its okay for change. I look at what I have inside me, and I feel like I blew out my own flame. what used to be me, has turned quite grey recently. I am a shell of what I could be. Ive been to hell and back again. Days and nights have meshed together in desperation to direct my mind on other things other than what I should have been working through. I cant cry, somehow my body knows if I let the drips of pain seep out, I will truly lose it. I CAN LOVE. Somehow I forgot I could do that. YOU CAN LOVE TOO. This world is full of things that I can never fully understand. Why people fall out of love, why people fall in love. How you can lose patience or hope. I am a victim, but I dont know my attacker. Why cant things find resolution?

Gas Light

Tonight, after the game, my gas light came on. Reminding me of how empty I really am. Oh... and my gas tank.

I was late for my college exam today. I couldnt find my keys, that was missplaced in.. my purse. Go figure. Im losing it a bit. I believe.

Im getting pretty good at denying my emotions. Ha.

I have nothing deep or emotional to share today. I just feel... numb.

reflection tomorrow.








HAHAHA randomly found this on my quest for a picture. Oh, the memories.

Falling Slowly

Yesterday, was amazing. Not because of the people I met or the people I was with, but because I realized something. Everybody is beautiful! I sound like a complete fruitcake... and I dont care. I was at Shades of Brown and watched a guy from Colorado sing his lungs out. I never saw so much raw emotion. I got to talk with him afterwards and I admire everything he is doing. He is personally touring around the US and playing and singing with his beat-up guitar. It was so beautiful. There were these two other girls, Mandi and Erin. Mandi sounded exactly like Regina Spektor, but with her own style. I adore Regina and loved what Mandi did. I got to talk with her as well. I sat there, watching these people do what they love, and I loved what they were doing. I would look around and see the man in the corner, wearing all black, brighten from the sweetly raw songs. Couples came, single, lonely, independent. All rightfully deserving of love. I sat there, with my sister and loved her. Valentines day is a day of love, of EVERYONE. Not just your sweety, or last minute pick-up. I made Emily's night. We went to the center of the universe and screamed so loud, I swear my mom heard in Owasso. The only thing I regret is I screamed things I didnt mean. Things, that I want to believe are true, and the thought of letting them out of my body might make them come true... I thought wrong. I just felt bad afterwards.

You are what nightmares are for.

I cant sleep anymore. Dreams are not an escape.




I figured out, if I have emily with me, I can stay out as long as I want. Mom didnt even care we tiptoed into the house at 2:30 a.m. Weirdest logistics...

I heard Falling Slowly from Once at CHOCHS, I cried.

Bah Humbug

Valentines Day is everyday. I dont need one day to express my love for someone. Although, roses are always nice : ) What can I say, Im weak for flowers. Maybe not roses though, I like summer flowers better. Any kind. When I was in switzerland I picked flowers everywhere and stuck them in my journal. They still smell like the moutains. I want so badly to go back.

Last nights dream consisted of me doing laundry... Yeah, sleep should be more eventful.

I went with my friend last night to downtown, sandsprings, broken arrow and then owasso. We rapped like straight up G's. Went into an Adult Super Store out of PURE curiosity. It was weird... to say the least. It was one of those stores where you can rent a video and go into a room for a couple minutes... I guy couldnt take in his jacket lol. When we were leaving the beer belly owner yelled " Come back and see us!" .... yeah right.

I am your bathtub
I let you in
into my warmth
and bubbly laughs

Take a step in,
but I caution
I am warm and naive
Ill let you take my heat
and bath full of tears

I snuggle close,
breathing on your
bruised skin
tears heal the broken




I am officially celebrating Chinese New Year, ONLY.

Hellava night

I went over to Shirley's house : )

I had REAL chinese food. I never want to eat at a buffet again.. period.
I had a talk with Megan today, she knows what she is talking about for sure. Ever have a problem? She is the go-to man.




What I really love,
is the sparks
flying on the road
in my rear view mirror

Its freedom
marked by smoke
stained fingers

Its Fourth of July
My favorite
time to kill,
time to see,
what beauty is behind
in one smoke ring

The sun still shines above the clouds..

Saw someone use a nettie pot today.... disgusting. I had to put that out there. Im not ever using one. Ill just medicate instead.

Speaking of medicine.

I need to take a little bit
of my own medicine...
here, take it first and see
if there are any side effects.


2-09-10

A fake gold chain
tangled with stirling
silver, a diamond, once
laced around my neck

One came from a quarter
machine at pizza hut
one was a present
from my father, Grandmother's
heirloom, Best friend
bracelet, the one I thought
I lost, the one I never forgot,
homemade, Impulse
buy, there's one,
a necklace...
he bought me for christmas.

Swollen fingers pull
red with effort, sore with
emotion. Twisted, locked,
fake, real, cheap, long, short,
serious, sincere...


tears drip at loose ends






I think this is beautiful : )

Love who you are

I am not writing about love tonight. For now, Im done with it. I want to talk about my night. I had a huge AP Biology project to do with Shirley, Vincent, and Carissa. We all had a talk about race. Vincent, a philipino, Shirley, chinese, Carissa (Spanish/Latino) and me.. white. It opened my eyes even further. What they thought of Americans.. how we..well, they, label. I am mostly Croatian and second generation in America. It really shows how much a label can hurt. I saw a documentary about a Chinese woman that married an African man, they had a child and didnt know what to check on the race on the birth certificate. They had to check "Other" on it. It made me sad in a way, we humans want so badly to label everything. We want to define it down to the atom. Things we cannot even see. I am content on just knowing that I am alive and free and happy. I dont need to see a mexican, asian, european, indian, etc. I need to see PEOPLE that love and cry all the same. That have disappointments and dreams, sacrifices and sucess. I saw tonight that there is sooooo much more than what meets the eye. I plan to reach out to more people, more than I have been.

This world is full of possibilities. Owasso, is a small, small fraction of what there is to be offered. I dont want to get hung up on things here because how much does it really effect the rest of my life? Why get hung up on drugs, alcohol, etc.?? why? I can go graffiti for danger, or go skinny dipping in the cold, or dance at a gay club. There are so many things in reality that are amazing, I dont want another realm to deal with. Loss of control and gripping of things here that are so precious and important. Like those that I love so dearly. I would lose them all with drugs. I wouldnt be able to live with my self. Once and a while is okay, to maybe say you tried pot or whatever but... not a habit. Not something that could potentially be harmful to me and my family. I couldnt do that to them. I love too deeply to do that.

What a day

I am setting out to find something. I am setting out to search for someone that truly loves. I want what everyone wants. But, I also want to love someone, completely for who they are. Can you say that you have done that? Do you love someone for everything they are? Do you hate a quirk about them? I grant that everyone can get on peoples nerves. But can you still love being irritated by them?
It is the very essence of unconditional love.

Nights are the worst for me. I think too much... and love unconditionally.

Last Night

I have to say, I firmly believe things happen for a reason. I talked with Matt last night at the Basketball game. He was exactly who I needed to talk to. He dated this girl for two years, the girl cheated and treated him badly. She broke up with him. He was heart broken... He told me how he felt afterwards and it was astonishing how I mirror him. He always loved her. Now, they are together and have even stronger feelings for her. She changed and he changed. Before, it just wasnt the right time for them. They both needed to grow as individuals. Granted, its highschool. But I disagree with the stigma of "highschool" relationships. I think its still love, no matter what time it is in your life. You can finally fall in love at 80 or 10. I think its the same. I witnessed a guy truly in love with his girlfriend. I saw the way he talked about her and almost convinced me to love her as well. He explained that no one is perfect, and its the imperfections that make people fall in love. Imperfection is perfect.

I am not expecting to find what he has, it is rare and should be cherished adamently. I ,now, have hope that I may find that. Maybe, this year isnt my time. Maybe, just maybe, its later. I will love again. I will fall in love again. Have butterflies, tumble incandescently in love, smile, and be happy. Now, I just have to learn how to open up again, to accept what has happened and find happiness in other things. I am thankful to have the friends that I have and family. They make me happy. Poetry is my food; Writing, my escape. I have it all with me. I just need to open my eyes and see it. I am willing to be patient and not make myself suffer because things didnt work out like I wanted them too. This goes for anything. Any kind of heartbreak.

Shit happens, its up to you to get the scooper out and move on. Disappointment is behind any door you open, just dont let that bastard in.

Still

I still love him...
for now, I stay there
Im in no hurry.
Why make myself forget
the unforgettable?

Over

And the only thing left
between us,
was the cigarette
between my teeth.

Strange things

Its a strange place,
Coming and going,
As the years turn to decades
As this cigarette burns out.

It's in my head
That maybe time will slow down
Maybe time will change me
I hope I will burn out

Burn with the changing of leaves
From green to brown
Lie softly underneath
Thin ice and snow

Lessons Learned

Tonight...

I need to type this out, so sorry for making so many blogs.

My days have been filled with grief. I started this blog to help me recover. I am being honest. So if you dont like hearing what I say, read a happier blog.

My mom and I got in a fight tonight. It really wasnt a fight, more like a screaming match.. but one sided. Mom screamed so loud it sounded like a cat was dying. She was so emotional that I turned completely unemotional. I was platonic. I didnt say a word, partly in fear of saying the wrong thing and partly because if I opened my mouth, my stomach would lurch out. I realized that I have problems. I am a statistic. Mom is divorced, boyfriend lives with us... well in the back room, sister never cries, and I am forgetful and rebellious. Someone very close to me said once, "your problems wear me down." I cant tell you how much that hurt me. But tonight, I realize that my own problems weigh me down too. Im am completely torn apart. I am spread to the point that vulnerability cannot comprehend the idea. A leaf falls on my heart, and I swear I will lose it all.

The fact is... I didnt say a word. ME, a girl with a thousand words couldnt speak. I was speechless. I am speechless. Its such a chore to even come up with something to say... to those that are directly related.

I want to apologize, for ever criticing someone unable to speak. I am deeply sorry. I know that person I should be apologizing to wont read this... but I need it out there at least. I was wrong to push anything from you. I now, too, know how is feels. I know that words, sometimes, cannot express what is inside you. Words are not enough, nothing is enough.


I am sorry.

Sunset

Today, was a day for sure. I know because the sun came up and set on this beautiful man at Applebees. Megan,very blessed, is training him. He had hazel/green eyes and a super white smile. For the first time in a long time, I checked out a guy. I know this sounds weird. When I was with my previous, I never really saw other guys. Never really flirted.. much or anything. I considered leaving my number... but Im not ready yet. I want to be completely over it. It just reminded me that there is more out there than him. It was a good first baby step to moving on. Honestly, I had no intention of doing anything more than looking at him. Considering.. but not really. Its just like seeing a cute shirt... but it wouldnt fit right.. not for me. Id rather wear my favorite Tee shirt.

Wrote a poem.. posting lata.

Weight

I have known the unyielding support of a bench
especially when in rows, fatigue from his speech,
the weight of the book of Psalms, thin paper easily torn,
pencils too small for your hand, asking for penance,
obligating onlookers hoping for you to open your heart,
burning bibles smoking a hole through your soul,
Lonely widows wiping dust off their ring fingers,
Lament at the pew, heaviness in the bread and wine.
And I have seen so called miracles at his steps,
sent down from an unseen, intangible angel,
struck into the heart of the sick and fickle,
electrified within the congregation, down to the ground
they pray, holding the generic, diamand crucifix.

Breathe

Its time to make myself new.

I wrote an entire poem in the car today. In my head of cours... and now I cant remember it. Maybe its better that way. Im not surprised though, my memory is terrible. Some of my best poems are forgotten.

I also want to start reading a new poet, whoever reads this, I need suggestions. I guess thats what google is for.

New quote of the day "because if seeing is believing, then believe that we lost our eyes" Goosebumps much?

I have no real point today. Maybe I'll really Blog later... or a poem might show up, if I remember.