Seattle

I will be in seattle for an entire week!

: D

We are all just average with average love and hate

opening mouths
with gutteral sounds
that sounded a little bit like
the sounds of love and hate

loud and soft,
light and dark
tone of someone with
something that others
have as well

Go through the motions
go through their boxes
of momentos and shit
its all the same

What a picture

What a picture

The ice cream man sings
as his chiding truck
drives like a snake through
my neighborhood

I look around from the
hood of my car, engine
is still hot from
my foot and pedal

I am alone

while children play

I am alone

when parents pray

I am alone

Looking in the mirror


What a picture

vivance was closer to me
than my own summer skin
and the cold hands of love
that I thought exists.

The truck wails on
through its speakers
"Go back to childhood
and get high from sugar"

.... instead of pain

What a picture

unknowingly taken
unwilingly sacred
chillingly naked
Thank you
for the D O D.

forever and always

June 5th-15th

Dark

Ive seen the world's dark
places.

restaurant corners, dirty sheds,
bathtub drains, and things
I'd rather not say...

these dark places will take you,
burn you like the hearth of my eyes,
it can hurt, force in
your pulsing body
and rip out the center
of what you call heart.

mountains are moved
in the direction of the pacific.
and I have lost you,
and you have lost me.

Search for what is right,
search for eyes in the mirror,
search, your whole life
search.

and what do I find?

Your light.

Now I can blog about it. Live through this, and Ill look back.

I went on a 27 mile bike ride yesterday with one of my old History teachers. Ive been with him on several occasions and always encountered something interesting. I usually never realize that Im biking so much. I absolutely love that. Because who on earth would be able to do that on their own?? So, this is how the traumatizing day layed out.

I get to the place we always meet in Sand springs. I pick out my bike. Everything is fine. We bike. It was beautiful. 80 degrees with a slight breeze. I was sailing. My mind was clear from all the shit that has happened in the past week. I felt me, peircing the air with two tires and pedals. I had no ipod to remind me of past days. Just the sound of traffic and the clicking of that good ol' bike... oh and the occasional projection of wisdom from my teacher. Beautiful.

We bike to downtown tulsa, everything is fine. I have green tea from QT, great. Then on our way back inbetween downtown and sandsprings, I saw a group of guys huddling on the pathway over something. I get closer and they walk away, leaving a heap of something behind. I thought is was a dog at first...

We bike up close enough and see it is a human, a woman, a person with a heart beat and a childhood and someone with dreams and love and kindness and heartache...

I get off my bike and see she is lying down on her head. Blood, surrounded her hair. She was moaning and obviously in pain. I went into momma mode. You know what Im talking about? where you do anything for that person. Provide all that you can. YOu dont care if your hands get dirty either. I held her hand and talked to her. Some neighbor that witnessed it came up and I suggested to call the cops, so that was taken care of. This is what I got from her. Her name is susie, she had a fiance but he died. She has no teeth and green shorts that came up really far. Her nails were dirty and really, really long. In repition, I heard her say she tried... she really did try. She was about forty or fifty something. She held my hand like grandma. She gurgled like grandma. She had blue eyes like grandma. She was homeless and scared.

As soon as we heard the sirens, My teacher made us leave. I got on my bike reluctantly, left my water bottle for her and started to cry. I had a flash back of my grandma. I saw her in this woman. In this heart. I saw the same suffering heart. I felt what I havnt felt in almost a year and I broke down. I was the only one crying.

I was told, I did the right thing. But it didnt make me feel any less emotional. Sure, I did the right thing, but will she be alright? I dont understand what these people have in them to think they can beat up a woman, homeless or not, drunk or not, drugged or not. It makes me so sick. It makes me want to love even more. Yes we were in a bad part of tulsa, yes it happens every day, but does it make it okay? or alright? FUCK NO.

Im angry, im sad, Im heartbroken. I want a better world. I want to help, nurture, cry, scream, stomp on the ground. Anything to stop one heart from breaking. Thank you Emily Dickinson.


If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain. (Emily Dickinson)

Okay. maybe I over wrote this situation.

I am angry,

but Im okay.



Tonight, I think I found peace. I looked up into our Oklahoma sky and realized I was born to look up, not down. I forgive whatever the fuck happened and I am prepared to smile about it and cherish what was there, and what I have left. I have the whole world infront of me and I cant let petty emotions stand stark in my way. I cant have it.

I cant.

So, gazing upward, I saw stars. I believe they saw me.
This is all I could ask for.

I love you. and I always will.

Goodnight.

Okay.. anger subsiding

I'm starting to paint. I'm not good, I have no idea what I'm doing but at least its something. I still feel whole, which is a good thing. I never knew love to beat you up so much. I thought it was a more merciful feeling. I was very wrong. Paint is merciful. You can mix it just fine with others, it works together with brush and canvas to make the picture you want, its real....

On a side note, My favorite bracelet disintegrated in the hot tub last night... I guess it was just too much for it : /

we grow from the inside, we destroy from the inside.

once again, Im feeling like I was when I first started blogging. Lost, alone, and reaming with hateful poems...

I swear Im not an angry person. I just... I dont know.


Ive been accused of being a terrible girlfriend... i just want to analyze this.

Who took you to work at six in the morning during summer and then picked you up?
Who left roses on your car for no apparent reason?
who offered you anything you needed?
Who cared when no one else really saw?
Who got pulled around like a puppet on string for a year and a half for you to figure out that you werent happy?
Who never cheated?
Never deliberately lied
never treated you like shit
always complimenting,
always caring,
always heartbroken.

I loved you for so long, unconditionaly.
No more, because for once I am choosing to be angry. I am not the bad guy.
I did everything i could and YOU failed me and yourself.


Good luck with that handle of Kessler. I hope my last name makes you kiss that porcelain throne.

At least I forgave myself. Can you say you did the same?

Sticks and stones will hurt your bones

I stepped into this
web once again.
I was stuck to you like
that damn fly
caught
enamored
by that sly eight eyed smile


Fuck you.

I grew wings,
and gave you the number one
and no, it wasnt my index finger.

That seed of doubt

Im tired of feeling like im not enough.

Im sick and tired of not being worth it.

who is a real friend?

Fuck this.