Dear Moon,

I promise to you
that I am okay.
That it was nothing
but time and a face
that was gained.

I promise to you
that I will be selfish
for once, and look up
at you and think nothing
but of the possibility
of me being a better
person because of you.

Disappointment is meant
to show you how much you
can be proud of.

I am proud of you moon,
for never setting.

For sticking your middle
finger up in broad daylight.

It was you.

Its been a while
since Ive felt those
last.

They were different,
as if I grew up and am
now fifteen years older and
you had grey hair and a beard.
A beard- but softer. Like feathers adorning
your sparkling face.

Kiss,
floated like moth wings,
fluttering around those musty moth
balls and grandma
sweaters with cute little
snow men I call lips.

They were different,
yet I knew it was you behind
those soft folds of skin.
It was you.

We all are.

Let me tell you something,
that might change your perspective
of me.
Let me tell you something
that is shaking people
in their seats, we are sweating
profusely, and beads of salty
nerves trickle down the
frown we all wear.

Let me tell you something
that will make you hate me.

everyone feels alone.
You feel alone.
I feel alone.

But Locke said we learn
from our experiences.
Well.
Then that makes us all
god damn genius's.
Congratulations.

You

You are like the dreaming
of a day.
bright with life.
Smile, dear.
I adore you like
the sun adores my
skin. Wrap around me,
and kiss me in bed,
like the moon does.

------------------------------


I miss him.. I dont know how to get over him.

Suspended in Gaffa

I have big, big news. I dont want to share it yet though. This is just a teaser.

Something about me: I enjoy sneezing more than most people.

Something Different

I got in trouble today for hugging a friend in the hallway. Granted, maybe this friend is my ex... but still! we are friends now. He was upset and needed consolation. A hug from someone who cares... alot. Then our director came up and started yelling at us. Said that we need to stop. Stop what? Being human?? I cant tell you how angry I was. Tears were streaming down my face in band. I couldnt even watch him direct. It started to make me think. I find that, now, affection of any kind in a semi public place is a carnal sin. That touching another, whether it be holding hands, hugging, standing close, etc. is dangerous and could possibly burn out your eyes with lasers. It makes me depressed. We are human. I need contact with others. If you met me in person, I can come off a little touchy. When I talk with you, I might reach out and touch your arm. No, not in a creepy way, but I just have to connect. I hope this doesnt come off wrong. When I say goodbye, I would like a hug. Is that so wrong of me? When I cry, I want a shoulder and a hand.




3-24-10



Touch
the heat from your oily fingers
gives me more soul than that stack
of bound papers. More than the words
detachedly typed for a mass audience
who dont really care where they came from,
only to show that they have soul too.

It is the -How are you- droning
in my ears from blank faces that
makes me lose hope in myself.
Give me a hug. Embrace me.
I fear my ribs are losing balance
from my teetering, feeble feet. I need
someone for support. Give me strength
with a kiss, bring the color in my
cheeks. So ashen, so dead.
How can you live in your space
with no one to invade?

Invade me.

Shrunk the shrink

What do I do when I want to relax?

Drink tea in any form while laying in the sun at a coffee shop. If I have no car, I go to the bath tub with bubbles. Sometimes a cigarette if its laying around. Listen to music no one finds that interesting, but plays with my heart. Driving, I love rolling down my windows and just dancing in my seat.


Weird things about me. Or that I think are weird...

I fold paper when Im nervous.

I always regret mean things I say, even if they are true.

I hate, abhor and loath stepping on cracks when I can avoid them.

Pillows are not fun to put my head on, just to hug.

My toes are the first things to be uncomfortably cold.

I cant eat burgers or grease well at all, I have a sensitive stomach.

Im also allergic to all citris fruits. (Watermellon, Cantalaupe, Strawberries, Oranges etc.) Also, peanuts. I hate it and eat them anyways. I just suffer afterwards.

When I meet someone new, I cant find my tongue, you have to warm me up.

I take meaning in everything you say and think about it later. Sometimes it is a destructive characteristic.

Im cursed by spiders, I always get bit by them.

When I get angry, I cry like a baby.




Dear Anthony,

what are you doing on sunday?

Rough Rooftop

Today, I went out on my roof in a bathing suit, while snow inhabited the ground. Yes, welcome to Oklahoma. Enjoy and take your medicine.

I want to get to know myself.

What do I want to do when I grow up?

Ever since I was a weee little child, I had a fascination with India. I love the culture, food, people, etc. It just interests me. Its such a strong yearning I could almost say my past life was spent in India, if I believed in such things. I also have an infinite love for tea. I want to export and import tea. I cant tell you how much I want to do this, how much I am planning to do this, how much I know I will do this. I want to live in Asia and other related tea countries for six months and then go back to America and Europe for six months. This will be an honest pure business. No chopping up the leaves, it will be loose leaf and only the fineset of these countries. No pesticides or fertilizers. The flavor of tea is dependent on the soils contents. These things ruin tea. I also want some of the profits to go towards the pickers and farmers of the tee. They deserve luxury just as much as anybody. It will be perfect. Along with this, I plan to join the peace corps. This has been long planned. After I graduate from college, I will be teaching/working in the peace corps or some other related institution. Ive thought about Social Work, but my soul would break apart if I made it a profession. I volunteer for this, not work for this. Although, it is such an admirable profession not usually recognized by the public. I hope you believe me, because I believe me.

Adam

I opened up this book today and I met the most wonderful poet. His name is Adam Zagajewski. He is raw, yet not rough. Flows from syllable to syllable but does not mesh, he is so clear. I think if I met him, our pupils would mirror exactly. Artistic sould mates. I think I have many of those.

Anthony, I am so so sorry. I want to hang out with you sometime. : ) We need to catch up.

The worst of sundays

I dont think Ive ever felt so discouraged. Everything that had a possibility of going wrong, just did go wrong. Im not sitting here complaining for no reason. Ive had such a wonderful week and it all comes down to today.

When you make a mistake, your supposed to grow from it right? What happens if you shrink?

I went to the Black Eyed Peas concert last night. It was beyond amazing. I cried so hard when Where is the Love was playing. It brought back alot of memories for me. That song speaks to my heart. I dont know why. LMFAO was legit, I had no idea they sang that Shots! song. Crazy what you learn. The crowd there... was interesting. Young kids, like four, and old ladies, like 80. There were women with less clothes on than what I wear in the shower.. maybe thats exaggerating but you get the point. Then, there I was, little miss me with a save Darfur shirt and bracelets up my arm. I felt somewhat out of place, yet I still loved it. I like not being them, I love being me. Is that conceited? I hope not. I just wouldnt want to change who I am or where Im going.

I miss innocence. I miss pretending Im climbing a mountain, when really its a sand pile. I want to play house and have everything work out. I want to send a note to the one I love and ask for him to check yes or no. Whatever happened to ferbies or jump rope? Climbing trees and believing you could see the end of the universe; a stick is a mighty sword. Your hands made into binoculars and your vision improves tenfold. What about playing with rocks and seeing a whole city infront of you. I want to believe in impossibilities. I want the impossible in my heart once again. That is all I ask.

The best hand Ive held

I have held many hands.
Some were soft, limp
and pale with bland
salutes and markings from a
fork.
Some were thin, frail
from the weariness of trials
and tears pooling in the cusps
of what used to be palms.
Some were rough, cut
from the dirty work of love
handling from one girl to the next
Yours were...
tender, trembling because mine
were too.

The best hand Ive ever held was my own.

My sister asked me today what I want out of life....


I had no answer for a while. I sat there, gasping for an answer. One that would mean something. A statement so pure it would make your heart weep.. It never came.

What I want? I want you. I want me. I want ice-cream and silly knock-knock jokes. I want sunlight and red umbrellas. I want to havea lobster burn, freezer burn, brain freeze. I want the L word to mean something for once. I want to laugh out of life and cry into life. I think Im getting what i want out of life. Ive made decisions that made me look like a bitch and made me look like a saint. I am fantastically average and Im okay with that. Although, I dream things far beyond my capabilities... but I'd rather believe in them than in myself. So here's to the Congo for still fighting. This is what I want out of life. Its the point to which all my actions are taken.

I am happiest when I help you, feed you, clothe you, laugh with you, cry with you, scream with you. This is what I want out of life.

You, me, and this godforsaken mountain!

I havnt posted much lately on account of how fast paced life has been. I feel like I am reeling with so much to say and only ten fingers to say it with. Believe me, my tongue is faster.

I got accepted to Puget Sound! I could die of happiness. I dont think I can afford it though. I guess its a good esteem builder.

I went to OKC with my sister and Ceirra. It was so much fun. I feel like a whole person again. I left behind what has been haunting me and escorted it out the door. It feels good. Ive met some wonderful people in this past week as well. I needed to meet new people... more than you know. Anyways, the sun is beaming is last rays before the blink of the sunset comes. I believe its the most warm light, golden silk through my finger tips.

I went to a bookstore in OKC and found a new poet, well new to me. His name is Adam Zagajewski. So far, he is really good. He is raw, and I love that.

I have written alot lately, and will post soon.

Random fact I learned today, tampons are not flammable. : )

Fantastic day. : )

Except for the whole choking fiasco at lunch. Enough said.


I had a huge discussion with my mom tonight about money. My eyes are a little wider now, I did not realize how tight we were. It makes me not want to attend college.. to save money. Do I need a degree for what I want to do?? Not really. Education is a luxary. My dad is supposed to pay my mom a check every month for child support, but he is hurting too on money. I love how my mom approaches it. She told us it doesnt matter if he pays it or not, because SHE vowed to take care of us. He has his own demons.. and so do we. I hope I have that understanding nature like her. That even though people disappoint you, take a step outside of your body and see what they deal with. Would you do the same? That is something I always strive for. To connect with people. I want to understand you, because I dont understand myself. When I can see you, soul and mind, then maybe you can see me and describe what it is that keeps our hearts beating. What it is to love.

I watched a thing today over Scott Peterson and Lacey. It was heartbreaking. How can a guy with such good looks do such a thing. It makes you really think, is that guy sitting next to me contemplating different ways to kill me? Most likely not, but you never know. Maybe he is contemplating on how to hold my hand and tell me everything is alright. I like that much better. : )

Your Name

In the corner of
my swelling head,
is a piece of paper
crinkled up, used
with eraser marks

Written in pencil
is your name.
Letters diligently placed
over others less deserving

Slowly, as your lips move
the words Ive dreaded hearing
ever since the first I love you,
I take my eraser and watch
what I have made for you and I
dissappear.
Letter by letter, leg by leg
we untangle.
Lips pull away spitting out the
shavings that once said your name

The last letter, unfortunetly
placed.
I cant bear to take it,
to let you erase away.
I'll just let it stay there,
etched into the lines.

Leaving indentions
of your fingertips
onto mine.

Something

I went and played a college game tonight. It was alright. It was a girls game, so you know. Not many people there unfortunetly.

All the while, I had time to think. I am not what I expected myself to be. I am turning out... quite normal. I am a blonde, blue eyed, hopeless romantic, with dry humor. Sounds like an eHarmony add? Well Im not trying to sound like that. There is so much in this world that I have been offered and I have failed to take those offers up. Maybe I should change that. or, maybe I should make my own offers.

Some couples make me sick with their happiness. Enough already, spread the joy.

I am planning on doing a lot of biking over spring break. Can you say... 32 mile marathon?

Ive realized something, I need to let go, things are not changing. So, let go.

In the daylight

Today was a dream, a lane that had memory signs held up high. It was good though. I am one of those seasonal people... I cant remember what you call them. The sun was shining as if summer never ended, and for once, I was satisfied. The sunlight can do wonders. Best prescription for an aching...

A car was pulled over in front of me today. I just thanked myself for being so damn lucky.

Im okay with the way things are. Thats all I can be. Im okay with constant change. Gives me room for dexterity right?

I wish I could have this day all over again.

Love.

Naked

Here I am, naked
like a baby
taking their first
breath from recycled air,
from what you have taken
and so have I

soft white curves
slowly shift in complete
comfort as I watch you
play your mom's guitar
simple, yet beautiful
melody reverberating
in your lungs as if
that is all you know
You are all I know.

My ribs peak through
as I take in your lips
against mine.
I am naked.
You are free
to look deeper into
what my eyes want to tell you
We could never speak in words,
talking, moving our lips
and tongue to show how we
feel. Tied and twisted I learn
to speak through my body.
I am naked.

Not your average pot hole.

I saw something today. It was something I always had night terrors about. I need to get back to where Ive come from. In New Mexico, there was no judgement. It was mountain air, howling coyotes, pine trees and road runners. It was my life for such a short period, yet so strongly influences who I am right now.

I see beauty in everyone. Physical and something beyond that. Sometimes its harder to see, veiled behind an attitude or makeup, but it is certainly there. Because of that, I forgive too easily. I forgive my Father, the priest who said Im going to hell, the friend whose last words echo "bitch" in my ear, the bully who held me up by the throat because I had all A's and he didnt, and so on. I forgive because I understand. I see their pain, and feel their pain. I feel sorry for Tiger Woods. How sad. I never forget though. Do not be confused with holding grudges. Those are too hard on me. I'll always remember that bully for doing such an ugly and humiliating thing, but I hope he is well now.

Alone With Everybody

the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.

there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.


-Bukowski

Skillet on the Stove, it's such a temptation.

The worst part of a trip is the first step into the house you so badly wanted to leave. Weatgerford was a real nice change and I met some really cool people. Chill, no drama, no ulterior motives. I walked into that Quartz Mountain try out one person and walked out whole different one. It was spiritual in a way. I sat and did what I love most, writing. It was art from me. Things that are pinned up inside me; put to pen and paper. I had to evaluate everything about myself. There were things that I wanted to kick a wall for, and others smile. I got through it, and loved myself once again. What a wonderful feeling.

I am trying to shy away from lyrics... but this song is amazing.

Love grows in me like a tumor,
parasites bent on devouring its host.

Doesnt really relate to me, but man, love the song.


I am exhausted today, driving for so long wears you out for some reason... even though your just sitting there...?