Early morning

I have a heavy heart this morning. The onset of finals is among all college students right now. Usually, I feel like I can handle it, but this semester feels near impossible. I have more work than hours to do it and I feel like is it sqwelching my strength to not feel shitty, for lack of better terms. So, here I go.

I can only do my best, which is a lot harder than any cute statement could make it out to be. I am being diligent in studies and manner. Yet, I feel that it isnt paying off in any aspect. I work so hard that I have no time for friends, no time for family (hardly) and no time for myself. I am actually hitting myself for taking time to type this. Although, I need a slight break so here I am. I feel lonely, but only for small amounts of time when really anyone should feel lonely. Like 6.30 a.m. at a desk. So, Im going to focus on some positive:

I really really like Pumkin Chunkin. I find it so fascinating that some people are very dedicated to chunking...well, pumpkins.

Patrick and I talked out a deal to never settle, in life, in work or home. Always moving forward, and to weed out the people in our lives that are just weighing us down.

I still have cravings for turkey and cranberry sandwhiches. I know, whats wrong with me? well, my name's Erika and I never let things go, especially food phases. Dont get me started on PB&J. Long time favorite obsession.

Thats all I have this morning.

Side note: I really do hate facebook, whenever I get on there it makes me feel bad. Obligated to say happy birthday to so called "friends" and I see people I once knew move on with things I dont particularly agree with. Tired of it.

1:15 am

So, I am working my first all night shift at the desk. Which, is kind of exciting (I dont know why). I just finished half a McCallister's sandwhich and I do believe that was the best thing that ever happened to me right there....

I keep thinking back on this past week and I have really dug myself out of the trenches. I went from complete self loathing to... give me the trident I have all the power in my life! It feels good, but I feel humble. I know how fragile relationships are, especially friendships because they are so much more liquid than committed relationships.

Also, I have been talking to patrick alot this week about when we move to Cherry St. I am SO OH SO excited to move. To have my OWN place with a dish washer, a sink, a stove, a bed bigger than my thigh, and most of all, privacy! Living in college suites and dorms are fun... but I can only live like a gypsy for so long. Moving my increasingly smaller and smaller stuff is getting way to efficient for my taste. I can pack, load and be on the road in less than thirty minutes flat. Thats sad people. I can move too easily. Its unnerving. I want a nest. I want to be momma bird, with no birdlings, with all my stuff in one place, I sleep in the same bed each night, I make stuff with stuff in a cupboard and can find the same stuff the next day. This sounds so so good. so good.

I want to handle tea for a living. It is so set in my mind it burns. I think about tea all the time. What should I try next? I cant wait to read my tea book some more, I wonder what tea Ill brew with my thanksgiving meal? I wish I had some right now. I wonder what qualifies a tea farmer to sell their tea to the collectives. I wonder how much fertilizer has been used this year. How will I ever EVER open a tea shop in this economy?... okay I know you probably stopped reading by now. You get the point. I just want to be fluent in zhongwen and travel and love and live and sell the most precious commodity on this planet, is that so much to ask??

So, here I am at the desk tonight. I cant say I can complain because this is much needed alone time. I need to evaluate things in my life. As I always say, but this time I mean it. I have Gone With the Wind and the Jerk right next to me, beckoning me to watch them but I am just not in the mood to carry my emotions into a movie. I seem to always do that, in ANY movie. I dont know. I dont know how I feel about a lot of things. I had a nightmare last night that has clung to my ankles, pinching my calfs every now and then, telling me that it is still there, that feeling. The disgust I hold for my self when I think of friendship and what the really means to me and others. How I could have been alot better, but they could have been a lot nicer too. I always find a way to blame myself, and self loathing dreams dont help one bit. I hate when I have those, the person that points out all my flaws is usually someone in real life who can hurt me the most. Ive just lost all hope in this and I really just want to forget about it all. I cant be everything you want me to be, I can only be me.

True friends are there for you no matter what, through thick and thin.

I just finished applying to the spring break Brazil trip. I am super excited! I have a feeling I am really going to enjoy Rio! I did alot of talking with Patrick and I have decided that the past is the past. yes, overdue and over rated. I cant change it, I cant change people, so quit trying. I want to get more involved in school. Plan for next semester: Do more.

Im really looking forward to having off an entire week of college next week. Thanks giving break is a godsend. I need to recharge and relax so I can come back to sanity. I got invited to start writing for this tea magazine and I am pretty apprehensive about it. I have never published any writing of mine and I honestly dont think its up to par. Kurt Vonnegut said about writing was, "write as if you are just talking out loud. You must have pity for your readers. Do not trust any other writing other than your own." Pretty weird advice but I kind of get it. He basically is saying have confidence and dont give a fuck. I think I could do that while I am writing the piece, but afterwards Ill be biting my nails to nubs and Ill be singing that nubs song by NOFX.... old school I know.

I had a pretty stressful weekend. I am not a very good host. I have an extremely tough time being the party planner, taking people from out of town and showing them a good time. I get to anxious, contsantly worry if they are enjoying themselves, and I am so aware of how lame I really am. I like simple things. Going to a coffee shop and drinking some expensive tea that uses chlorine tea bags, and then complain how expensive and pointless it was, but the atmosphere is so great and I just like being out of the house and around other strangers that like being out of their house in a coffee shop too. I like to thrift shop but only rarely because I dont want to look through the same clothes on the same hanger. It needs to cycle through for another month. I like to go onto of roofs and stare at the sky, pretending I know everything just by studying a speck of light. I like to drink wine and eat garlic bread and say yes with emphasis. I like to go try new, weird foods that most would just walk away and prey the food doesnt follow. I like to sleep too. sleep alot actually. Go to bed at a semi decent time, wake up just after the sun winks at you. Stuff like that, that other 19 year olds dont really necessarily like, (totally stereotyping). Most. and I guess I have credit because I have been to two large public colleges, that they just like to drink, drank, drunk. I meann, sure. I did that for a while, my senior year of high school and part of freshman year of college... but I am so done with that. Done with sleeping in stranger's coat closets, bathtubs, floors, kitchens etc. Im done with saying, hi whats your name, (says name), oh cool! talks for a bit. Next morning, I have no idea who that kid was or what his name is. Shit. Gave my number to said kid. DONE. I find no excitment or newness to it. Its stale beer. Its headaches and stench from cigarettes. Its greasy Ihop food thrown up because every right minded drunk wants to eat at three in the morning at Ihop. Its truth. Ive been there. I just wish I could find more people like me that grew up too fast. Who sees what I see and is cool with it and moves on. I have my dear, Patrick, who feels the exact same way. yet, he is only one... I want a groud of friends that really like vinyls and wants to go to a poetry slam. And save up to roadtrip to New Mexico and pretend we are local indians and we want mexican food and stay in Adobe houses.

I'm watching the harry potter series on abc family. I literally broke out in tears on the beginning of the first one. I just honestly can't believe its all over. Harry Potter was my childhood summers. It was one of my first novels I read in first grade. I just feel like this is the sign of an ending of my childhood. Now, I guess I must grow up. I don't think I could ever fully grow up. What's a grown up anyhow?

Well I am happy today, working with Loren, the man I take care of. Kelsey is in town and that makes me so excited. Also, Patrick and I are planning on having a delicious dinner tonight. Oh wow, how I love food.

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Last night I went to the band performance at my old highschool. The marching was superb. It really was. I am so proud of them and wish them all the luck in Grand Nats this weekend.

Watching the band really made me emotional. Really, I always am when I go see band functions. I dont know how to decide I feel. Its a huge mixture of sad and happy. I think I go to mourn my highschool days, definately saying goodbye, but not forgetting. I would never go back. That's for sure. Two years out of it and I see why band was so important to me. It was the comraderie, the love, and friendship that made my life at highschool barable. I have so much to be thankful for that because, I dont know if I could have made it through with out band. It truly shaped who I am today and who I love. I wouldnt have met so many people if it werent for band. People I really held close to my heart.

Patrick
Ceirra
Abbey
Chelsey
Sarah P.
Sam
Mrs. Craft
Gorham
Trent
Alberto
etc. etc.

These people really made an impact on me. I have everything I am to thank these people.

Yet, looking at the past, really makes me want to focus on the present and future. I am so happy now. A happy that is balanced for once. Everyone has bad days, but good days are more prevelant. I am so excited to be traveling to Brazil and China! I am so thankful I have these opportunities to see the world. I am excited to graduate and go to graduate school in Washington! I am excited to learn more and more about tea and how to run a tea business, because for once in my life I know what i am truly passionate about and that is such a relief. Everything happens for a reason and I am seeing more and more signs of where I should go.

In my entire life, I have never felt so content and in control with my life. This is what it feels like to truly live.

I think everyone doubts themselves sometimes. I have really thought hard why I decided to major in International Business and Chinese. It was origionally for the tea. I wanted to be in the business of buying and selling chinese tea. Which, when explained to advisers, professors, college friends and pretty much anybody I meet for the first time give me the same look. Raised eyebrows, twisted smirk and a statement like, "wow, thats weird."

I kind of get discouraged by this. Is this something I can really do? Is this what I really want? Oh god, this is a silly childhood dream that hasnt caught up with reality.

Then, I read this book. And a HUGE wave of relief came over me.

Yes. This is it. The tea store that has now accumulated in my suite room with so much tea, I have told myself I cant buy anymore till I steep the last of it all. This will all come to where I want to go and now I know it.

There just have been too many signs saying I will. I am currently getting ready to meet an editor for a tea magazine. Which is so so exciting! She wanted to know if I could write for her and have a column about my tea journey. I am so lucky. I feel so okay with this that is even scaring me.

10/10/11

Starvation of mind

in pitiless lectures of

what life should be

Should be… a ringing in my

throbbing ears that has

haunted the halls of lost

opportunity, lost.

Lost whom?

Not me.

I am starved already

of what I used to gorge

down with a hollowness

never to be filled, or

admired over.

A glut of knowledge,

mushed into my dry brain

and is saw dust for the fill.

Starting up again.


Im currently at TU right now, and I am so glad I transferred. OU just wasnt for me.
I work about 3 jobs right now along with 16 hours of school. I essentially have no life. I feel pretty lonely today.

In highschool, I had three really good bestfriends. Sat at lunch together every day, after school, etc. I felt as if nothing would seperate us. Well, life choices were made and the three of them are still very good friends. I, on the other hand, am some what alienated. I would go into detail why, but it is no use. I admit I did some wrong. I should have followed through on a promise of a baby shower, but I never expected to not talk to them EVER again. My life is just going in a different direction than theirs I guess. It is just so, so sore. I hurt when I think about them. Not because I necessarily need them back in my life, because honestly they are happy and I wouldnt disrupt that, I hurt because I dont feel that bond with any one now. I want that lifetime friendship. I am utterly happy with my boyfriend of three years... but I still need a girl bestfriend. That person I can talk to about anything. That will be my maid of honor, be a lunch date every tuesday and shop, and talk and laugh and... yeah. I am slowly getting better, I have wonderful people in my life, kately, josh, sarah, becky, marissa, sarah, and kelsey. I just wish I had that bond like I had with them.

Wishing never got anyone anytwhere though, and I have been moving on. It just sucks every now and then.

welp.

I feel like time has gone by so. slow... today. Ive been taking this Language Gender and Society class, which... is mostly just women's studies and our misfotunes with overbearance of masculine vanacular. I am so angry. I am angry at that class and at myself. I couldnt believe how traditional and fitting of the femina stereotype I really was. I am pink, with flowers, and sweets, and things that girls are supposed to be. ALTHOUGH, I see some things in my like Lisbeth Salander and Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta. I want to be fearless. I want to be liberated, not from stereotypes or social construct of what it means to be a woman, because lets face it.. its a part of me now. I want to be liberated from myself. I want to search with a light into myself and not fear what there really is. For this reason, I can only attribute my realization of self liberation to this godforsakenclass...

I think the reason I am so frustrated with it, is not because my professor is an extreme French Feminist, no.. that doesnt bother me, its the content of the class. Its the idea of obliterating our vocabulary as we speak it today. FreshMAN, huMANity, master, bachelor, etc. these words that insinuate that women are lesser.

MY NAME IS A FEMALE VERSION OF KING, by the way.


So, i sit here and contemplate on labels. I dont want one. I am neither traditional or feminist or girl or anything. I just want to be me. Erika, the girl that is only five feet tall, who giggles too often, who likes blue cheese and cigarettes. I am me. i am....

This may be a touchy subject to many or some, I just merely wanted to explain how I felt about this class. It really bothers me how disturbed it makes me feel. I am bothered...

Foals and metaphysics.

I woke up in my own bed today. In my old home.. wow. I slept really well, body knows, it really does.

I go through phases where I dont feel like listening to music... at all... scary right?

It turns into an NPR obsession and I listen to poetry tuesday nights and stories on monday nights and on wednesday I wake up early to listen to BBC news and so forth. Im more interested what is happening in the world, than actually listening to it..
I woke up as I stated earlier and decided to listen to a new band, haphazardly chosen from an itunes playlist and broke.

broke NPR to bits and pieces once again.

I am listening world. I am listening.

Thank you Foals- Spanish Sahara. You opened my ears and closed my eyes.

2/8/11

I carry guilt,

as if I were a camel

carrying water.



I was a bitch,

was. one once.

was. one.



If I could carry the scars,

ripped up inside you

I would let my body

rip twice over.

thrice over.



Pain mirrors beauty

in the eyes of the painful,

disgust mirrors me

in my eyes, they are painful.

A feeling indescribable.

So there's this blizzard right? And it made TU cancel.... I want to give a formal thank you to the weather men who so proudly stand in front of that green screen and explain that I can sleep in, probably for the rest of the week. Id also like to thank mother nature for giving us tough love and a cold hand of a blizzard, thank you very much.

Sleeping arrangements lately have caused my body to be a bit confused. I stay at Patrick's apartment for about half the week and the other at my dorm. I think the N S E W coordinates are causing my sleep to go out the door. Although, I woke up one night and felt a feeling Ive experienced most of my life. Okay, here's were its going to get confusing because I cant explain this very well.

I wake up, and I feel as if I'm the pebble in a pond, and all these ripples of epiphanies are flowing from me. Its like a "who am I and what does me even mean?" moments but much more in depth or abstract. Its like I see my self from space and know how small I am compared to everything, even the man lying next to me who I love so dearly. I feel so small compared to him compared to the plug in outlet near my feet. This feeling pulses until something shakes me, like Patrick's notorious mumbling and conversations in his sleep.



I wish I could explain this better. I feel like its something from Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind kind of feel with a galaxy element and V for Vendetta outer worldly experience. You know, when you realize everything comes together. Its when the Detective guy puts all the pieces together and realizes that the "good" guys are the bad guys, and V is the good guy. He feels apart of something so so much bigger than himself.


Anyways, I had this wonderful cup of tea the other day, Monkey Picked Oolong. It was so mellow yet, tasted like what holy water would taste like. Definitely selling Monkey Picked when I have my tea business.

1.25.11

One Day the World will Hug Us Back.
And tears will be wiped by the sands
from our porch welcome mats
and the arms of supermarkets and
Parking tickets will reach out
and hold our hands instead of
crushing them.

One day the World will Hug Us Back.

New

So, I am now going to University of Tulsa.

So far so good right?

Im excited to be starting new again, but I am also sad to know I am leaving behind good friends. Ana was my roomate at OU and I have grown to love her so much. She was my best friend down there and god, it makes me so sad that I wont finish the year with her. She helped me stay sane. well.. as sane as possible I guess.

I saw my room today... it definately needs some of my things in there to make it feel more like home. I hope my new roomate will work out. Im only used to Ana and her firey hispanic attidude : )

I have my classes picked out as well : D

Im taking

Chinese II
China/Japan since 1800 ( four 400 page books to devour...OH MY)
Statistics
Business Technology ( 101 for Spread Sheets and Filing..)
Plants and Society (background for my future tea business!)

There you go.. My life till May 7th, see you then.I really wanted to take another poetry class, there was one available, Russian Poetry, which I wanted REALLY badly...
I cant take it becuase I am in the College of Business... its only for people in Arts and Sciences. poop.

Well, I have nothing really deep to say today. Ive been on edge and I am not ready to confront that yet.

Dear confused audience, I can explain.

Didnt turn my right blinker on
but at least I used the right lane.
I tie myself in ties and ties
and I really cant explain.

Understanding the understanding
is okay with me
but, what do I do when
there is no understanding me?

Find myself and find myself
looking at airplanes,
and skies and clouds
and meaningless things.

I try to stop the cigarette breathe
from reaching my brain,
but it takes those five minute breaks,
and I make no change.

Im as lady like as a lumberjack
with shaved legs; Im graceful
like a damn turtle race.

the one thing good, the one thing
that I could only hope for
is the people who love me anyways.

Pocahontas told me to do it.

Well... its 2011. I know its redundant to say because who wouldnt know. Everyone knows as of today, the second day of the new year, and to top it off its a Sunday. Sunday's are the worst for me. Always. Its not a choice for me, its a garauntee. I sound like a Sunday miser, after all it has sun in the name... yet it seems to always show the opposite to me. I dont really cause it or look for trouble on this particular day. Trouble and grief always finds me. (points for cliche statement).

So, this first important few days of the new year alows people to step into retrospect of their past one. Examine, regret, marvel, etc. I jumped into the band wagon as well and looked back. All my previous posts were from 2010 and I must say most of them are depressing. I find myself blogging most times when I am sad, angry, contemplative and cynical. However, today I am almost emotionless. Its as if the new year granted my wish and said, "Here Erika, smoke some cigarettes, look back, and thank god you dont feel anything today." Im not really numb as I would hope to describe this emotion, its with out color... but it isnt numb. Maybe objective nostalgic, if those adjectives even make sense. Im so glad its a new year, hoping for new things. Yes yes. Last year... 2010... was a very calculated lesson for me from some higher power I believe, what ever that that power is. Or like Pocahontas, the wind taught me and mother tree delivered with great enthusiasm. 2010 was like chapters of a thriller kids book. Started out scary, frightening and made me grow from three foot tall to five foot tall with a sports bra. Then tragically sad, with only ham to feed me and wonderful friends to support my ongoing journey. Summer kissed my skin and was really the only kiss I got. August jump started my heart and made me feel loved again and as all kid stories go, it ended with a happy ending to chicago and alchohol poisoning.

To patrick: I love you so so so much. I want nothing but happiness for you and I am so lucky to share our lives together. You are my best friend and lover.

Ive written alot, but for some reason i feel really shy in sharing it. Maybe Ive made it wayy to personal, but maybe something light hearted will come to me soon. Something that has nothing to do with me.

Things I am not resolution-ing about but just want to do for this year list


Mandolin fixed and play
More and more dresses
work hard on finding an internship for tea
write alot more
quit snoring after I drink
sneeze more, because i like it
visit a beach
read some classics
adventures