Early morning

I have a heavy heart this morning. The onset of finals is among all college students right now. Usually, I feel like I can handle it, but this semester feels near impossible. I have more work than hours to do it and I feel like is it sqwelching my strength to not feel shitty, for lack of better terms. So, here I go.

I can only do my best, which is a lot harder than any cute statement could make it out to be. I am being diligent in studies and manner. Yet, I feel that it isnt paying off in any aspect. I work so hard that I have no time for friends, no time for family (hardly) and no time for myself. I am actually hitting myself for taking time to type this. Although, I need a slight break so here I am. I feel lonely, but only for small amounts of time when really anyone should feel lonely. Like 6.30 a.m. at a desk. So, Im going to focus on some positive:

I really really like Pumkin Chunkin. I find it so fascinating that some people are very dedicated to chunking...well, pumpkins.

Patrick and I talked out a deal to never settle, in life, in work or home. Always moving forward, and to weed out the people in our lives that are just weighing us down.

I still have cravings for turkey and cranberry sandwhiches. I know, whats wrong with me? well, my name's Erika and I never let things go, especially food phases. Dont get me started on PB&J. Long time favorite obsession.

Thats all I have this morning.

Side note: I really do hate facebook, whenever I get on there it makes me feel bad. Obligated to say happy birthday to so called "friends" and I see people I once knew move on with things I dont particularly agree with. Tired of it.

1:15 am

So, I am working my first all night shift at the desk. Which, is kind of exciting (I dont know why). I just finished half a McCallister's sandwhich and I do believe that was the best thing that ever happened to me right there....

I keep thinking back on this past week and I have really dug myself out of the trenches. I went from complete self loathing to... give me the trident I have all the power in my life! It feels good, but I feel humble. I know how fragile relationships are, especially friendships because they are so much more liquid than committed relationships.

Also, I have been talking to patrick alot this week about when we move to Cherry St. I am SO OH SO excited to move. To have my OWN place with a dish washer, a sink, a stove, a bed bigger than my thigh, and most of all, privacy! Living in college suites and dorms are fun... but I can only live like a gypsy for so long. Moving my increasingly smaller and smaller stuff is getting way to efficient for my taste. I can pack, load and be on the road in less than thirty minutes flat. Thats sad people. I can move too easily. Its unnerving. I want a nest. I want to be momma bird, with no birdlings, with all my stuff in one place, I sleep in the same bed each night, I make stuff with stuff in a cupboard and can find the same stuff the next day. This sounds so so good. so good.

I want to handle tea for a living. It is so set in my mind it burns. I think about tea all the time. What should I try next? I cant wait to read my tea book some more, I wonder what tea Ill brew with my thanksgiving meal? I wish I had some right now. I wonder what qualifies a tea farmer to sell their tea to the collectives. I wonder how much fertilizer has been used this year. How will I ever EVER open a tea shop in this economy?... okay I know you probably stopped reading by now. You get the point. I just want to be fluent in zhongwen and travel and love and live and sell the most precious commodity on this planet, is that so much to ask??

So, here I am at the desk tonight. I cant say I can complain because this is much needed alone time. I need to evaluate things in my life. As I always say, but this time I mean it. I have Gone With the Wind and the Jerk right next to me, beckoning me to watch them but I am just not in the mood to carry my emotions into a movie. I seem to always do that, in ANY movie. I dont know. I dont know how I feel about a lot of things. I had a nightmare last night that has clung to my ankles, pinching my calfs every now and then, telling me that it is still there, that feeling. The disgust I hold for my self when I think of friendship and what the really means to me and others. How I could have been alot better, but they could have been a lot nicer too. I always find a way to blame myself, and self loathing dreams dont help one bit. I hate when I have those, the person that points out all my flaws is usually someone in real life who can hurt me the most. Ive just lost all hope in this and I really just want to forget about it all. I cant be everything you want me to be, I can only be me.

True friends are there for you no matter what, through thick and thin.

I just finished applying to the spring break Brazil trip. I am super excited! I have a feeling I am really going to enjoy Rio! I did alot of talking with Patrick and I have decided that the past is the past. yes, overdue and over rated. I cant change it, I cant change people, so quit trying. I want to get more involved in school. Plan for next semester: Do more.

Im really looking forward to having off an entire week of college next week. Thanks giving break is a godsend. I need to recharge and relax so I can come back to sanity. I got invited to start writing for this tea magazine and I am pretty apprehensive about it. I have never published any writing of mine and I honestly dont think its up to par. Kurt Vonnegut said about writing was, "write as if you are just talking out loud. You must have pity for your readers. Do not trust any other writing other than your own." Pretty weird advice but I kind of get it. He basically is saying have confidence and dont give a fuck. I think I could do that while I am writing the piece, but afterwards Ill be biting my nails to nubs and Ill be singing that nubs song by NOFX.... old school I know.

I had a pretty stressful weekend. I am not a very good host. I have an extremely tough time being the party planner, taking people from out of town and showing them a good time. I get to anxious, contsantly worry if they are enjoying themselves, and I am so aware of how lame I really am. I like simple things. Going to a coffee shop and drinking some expensive tea that uses chlorine tea bags, and then complain how expensive and pointless it was, but the atmosphere is so great and I just like being out of the house and around other strangers that like being out of their house in a coffee shop too. I like to thrift shop but only rarely because I dont want to look through the same clothes on the same hanger. It needs to cycle through for another month. I like to go onto of roofs and stare at the sky, pretending I know everything just by studying a speck of light. I like to drink wine and eat garlic bread and say yes with emphasis. I like to go try new, weird foods that most would just walk away and prey the food doesnt follow. I like to sleep too. sleep alot actually. Go to bed at a semi decent time, wake up just after the sun winks at you. Stuff like that, that other 19 year olds dont really necessarily like, (totally stereotyping). Most. and I guess I have credit because I have been to two large public colleges, that they just like to drink, drank, drunk. I meann, sure. I did that for a while, my senior year of high school and part of freshman year of college... but I am so done with that. Done with sleeping in stranger's coat closets, bathtubs, floors, kitchens etc. Im done with saying, hi whats your name, (says name), oh cool! talks for a bit. Next morning, I have no idea who that kid was or what his name is. Shit. Gave my number to said kid. DONE. I find no excitment or newness to it. Its stale beer. Its headaches and stench from cigarettes. Its greasy Ihop food thrown up because every right minded drunk wants to eat at three in the morning at Ihop. Its truth. Ive been there. I just wish I could find more people like me that grew up too fast. Who sees what I see and is cool with it and moves on. I have my dear, Patrick, who feels the exact same way. yet, he is only one... I want a groud of friends that really like vinyls and wants to go to a poetry slam. And save up to roadtrip to New Mexico and pretend we are local indians and we want mexican food and stay in Adobe houses.

I'm watching the harry potter series on abc family. I literally broke out in tears on the beginning of the first one. I just honestly can't believe its all over. Harry Potter was my childhood summers. It was one of my first novels I read in first grade. I just feel like this is the sign of an ending of my childhood. Now, I guess I must grow up. I don't think I could ever fully grow up. What's a grown up anyhow?

Well I am happy today, working with Loren, the man I take care of. Kelsey is in town and that makes me so excited. Also, Patrick and I are planning on having a delicious dinner tonight. Oh wow, how I love food.

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Last night I went to the band performance at my old highschool. The marching was superb. It really was. I am so proud of them and wish them all the luck in Grand Nats this weekend.

Watching the band really made me emotional. Really, I always am when I go see band functions. I dont know how to decide I feel. Its a huge mixture of sad and happy. I think I go to mourn my highschool days, definately saying goodbye, but not forgetting. I would never go back. That's for sure. Two years out of it and I see why band was so important to me. It was the comraderie, the love, and friendship that made my life at highschool barable. I have so much to be thankful for that because, I dont know if I could have made it through with out band. It truly shaped who I am today and who I love. I wouldnt have met so many people if it werent for band. People I really held close to my heart.

Patrick
Ceirra
Abbey
Chelsey
Sarah P.
Sam
Mrs. Craft
Gorham
Trent
Alberto
etc. etc.

These people really made an impact on me. I have everything I am to thank these people.

Yet, looking at the past, really makes me want to focus on the present and future. I am so happy now. A happy that is balanced for once. Everyone has bad days, but good days are more prevelant. I am so excited to be traveling to Brazil and China! I am so thankful I have these opportunities to see the world. I am excited to graduate and go to graduate school in Washington! I am excited to learn more and more about tea and how to run a tea business, because for once in my life I know what i am truly passionate about and that is such a relief. Everything happens for a reason and I am seeing more and more signs of where I should go.

In my entire life, I have never felt so content and in control with my life. This is what it feels like to truly live.

I think everyone doubts themselves sometimes. I have really thought hard why I decided to major in International Business and Chinese. It was origionally for the tea. I wanted to be in the business of buying and selling chinese tea. Which, when explained to advisers, professors, college friends and pretty much anybody I meet for the first time give me the same look. Raised eyebrows, twisted smirk and a statement like, "wow, thats weird."

I kind of get discouraged by this. Is this something I can really do? Is this what I really want? Oh god, this is a silly childhood dream that hasnt caught up with reality.

Then, I read this book. And a HUGE wave of relief came over me.

Yes. This is it. The tea store that has now accumulated in my suite room with so much tea, I have told myself I cant buy anymore till I steep the last of it all. This will all come to where I want to go and now I know it.

There just have been too many signs saying I will. I am currently getting ready to meet an editor for a tea magazine. Which is so so exciting! She wanted to know if I could write for her and have a column about my tea journey. I am so lucky. I feel so okay with this that is even scaring me.