Lessons Learned

Tonight...

I need to type this out, so sorry for making so many blogs.

My days have been filled with grief. I started this blog to help me recover. I am being honest. So if you dont like hearing what I say, read a happier blog.

My mom and I got in a fight tonight. It really wasnt a fight, more like a screaming match.. but one sided. Mom screamed so loud it sounded like a cat was dying. She was so emotional that I turned completely unemotional. I was platonic. I didnt say a word, partly in fear of saying the wrong thing and partly because if I opened my mouth, my stomach would lurch out. I realized that I have problems. I am a statistic. Mom is divorced, boyfriend lives with us... well in the back room, sister never cries, and I am forgetful and rebellious. Someone very close to me said once, "your problems wear me down." I cant tell you how much that hurt me. But tonight, I realize that my own problems weigh me down too. Im am completely torn apart. I am spread to the point that vulnerability cannot comprehend the idea. A leaf falls on my heart, and I swear I will lose it all.

The fact is... I didnt say a word. ME, a girl with a thousand words couldnt speak. I was speechless. I am speechless. Its such a chore to even come up with something to say... to those that are directly related.

I want to apologize, for ever criticing someone unable to speak. I am deeply sorry. I know that person I should be apologizing to wont read this... but I need it out there at least. I was wrong to push anything from you. I now, too, know how is feels. I know that words, sometimes, cannot express what is inside you. Words are not enough, nothing is enough.


I am sorry.