Last night I went to the band performance at my old highschool. The marching was superb. It really was. I am so proud of them and wish them all the luck in Grand Nats this weekend.

Watching the band really made me emotional. Really, I always am when I go see band functions. I dont know how to decide I feel. Its a huge mixture of sad and happy. I think I go to mourn my highschool days, definately saying goodbye, but not forgetting. I would never go back. That's for sure. Two years out of it and I see why band was so important to me. It was the comraderie, the love, and friendship that made my life at highschool barable. I have so much to be thankful for that because, I dont know if I could have made it through with out band. It truly shaped who I am today and who I love. I wouldnt have met so many people if it werent for band. People I really held close to my heart.

Patrick
Ceirra
Abbey
Chelsey
Sarah P.
Sam
Mrs. Craft
Gorham
Trent
Alberto
etc. etc.

These people really made an impact on me. I have everything I am to thank these people.

Yet, looking at the past, really makes me want to focus on the present and future. I am so happy now. A happy that is balanced for once. Everyone has bad days, but good days are more prevelant. I am so excited to be traveling to Brazil and China! I am so thankful I have these opportunities to see the world. I am excited to graduate and go to graduate school in Washington! I am excited to learn more and more about tea and how to run a tea business, because for once in my life I know what i am truly passionate about and that is such a relief. Everything happens for a reason and I am seeing more and more signs of where I should go.

In my entire life, I have never felt so content and in control with my life. This is what it feels like to truly live.

I think everyone doubts themselves sometimes. I have really thought hard why I decided to major in International Business and Chinese. It was origionally for the tea. I wanted to be in the business of buying and selling chinese tea. Which, when explained to advisers, professors, college friends and pretty much anybody I meet for the first time give me the same look. Raised eyebrows, twisted smirk and a statement like, "wow, thats weird."

I kind of get discouraged by this. Is this something I can really do? Is this what I really want? Oh god, this is a silly childhood dream that hasnt caught up with reality.

Then, I read this book. And a HUGE wave of relief came over me.

Yes. This is it. The tea store that has now accumulated in my suite room with so much tea, I have told myself I cant buy anymore till I steep the last of it all. This will all come to where I want to go and now I know it.

There just have been too many signs saying I will. I am currently getting ready to meet an editor for a tea magazine. Which is so so exciting! She wanted to know if I could write for her and have a column about my tea journey. I am so lucky. I feel so okay with this that is even scaring me.

10/10/11

Starvation of mind

in pitiless lectures of

what life should be

Should be… a ringing in my

throbbing ears that has

haunted the halls of lost

opportunity, lost.

Lost whom?

Not me.

I am starved already

of what I used to gorge

down with a hollowness

never to be filled, or

admired over.

A glut of knowledge,

mushed into my dry brain

and is saw dust for the fill.

Starting up again.


Im currently at TU right now, and I am so glad I transferred. OU just wasnt for me.
I work about 3 jobs right now along with 16 hours of school. I essentially have no life. I feel pretty lonely today.

In highschool, I had three really good bestfriends. Sat at lunch together every day, after school, etc. I felt as if nothing would seperate us. Well, life choices were made and the three of them are still very good friends. I, on the other hand, am some what alienated. I would go into detail why, but it is no use. I admit I did some wrong. I should have followed through on a promise of a baby shower, but I never expected to not talk to them EVER again. My life is just going in a different direction than theirs I guess. It is just so, so sore. I hurt when I think about them. Not because I necessarily need them back in my life, because honestly they are happy and I wouldnt disrupt that, I hurt because I dont feel that bond with any one now. I want that lifetime friendship. I am utterly happy with my boyfriend of three years... but I still need a girl bestfriend. That person I can talk to about anything. That will be my maid of honor, be a lunch date every tuesday and shop, and talk and laugh and... yeah. I am slowly getting better, I have wonderful people in my life, kately, josh, sarah, becky, marissa, sarah, and kelsey. I just wish I had that bond like I had with them.

Wishing never got anyone anytwhere though, and I have been moving on. It just sucks every now and then.

welp.

I feel like time has gone by so. slow... today. Ive been taking this Language Gender and Society class, which... is mostly just women's studies and our misfotunes with overbearance of masculine vanacular. I am so angry. I am angry at that class and at myself. I couldnt believe how traditional and fitting of the femina stereotype I really was. I am pink, with flowers, and sweets, and things that girls are supposed to be. ALTHOUGH, I see some things in my like Lisbeth Salander and Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta. I want to be fearless. I want to be liberated, not from stereotypes or social construct of what it means to be a woman, because lets face it.. its a part of me now. I want to be liberated from myself. I want to search with a light into myself and not fear what there really is. For this reason, I can only attribute my realization of self liberation to this godforsakenclass...

I think the reason I am so frustrated with it, is not because my professor is an extreme French Feminist, no.. that doesnt bother me, its the content of the class. Its the idea of obliterating our vocabulary as we speak it today. FreshMAN, huMANity, master, bachelor, etc. these words that insinuate that women are lesser.

MY NAME IS A FEMALE VERSION OF KING, by the way.


So, i sit here and contemplate on labels. I dont want one. I am neither traditional or feminist or girl or anything. I just want to be me. Erika, the girl that is only five feet tall, who giggles too often, who likes blue cheese and cigarettes. I am me. i am....

This may be a touchy subject to many or some, I just merely wanted to explain how I felt about this class. It really bothers me how disturbed it makes me feel. I am bothered...

Foals and metaphysics.

I woke up in my own bed today. In my old home.. wow. I slept really well, body knows, it really does.

I go through phases where I dont feel like listening to music... at all... scary right?

It turns into an NPR obsession and I listen to poetry tuesday nights and stories on monday nights and on wednesday I wake up early to listen to BBC news and so forth. Im more interested what is happening in the world, than actually listening to it..
I woke up as I stated earlier and decided to listen to a new band, haphazardly chosen from an itunes playlist and broke.

broke NPR to bits and pieces once again.

I am listening world. I am listening.

Thank you Foals- Spanish Sahara. You opened my ears and closed my eyes.

2/8/11

I carry guilt,

as if I were a camel

carrying water.



I was a bitch,

was. one once.

was. one.



If I could carry the scars,

ripped up inside you

I would let my body

rip twice over.

thrice over.



Pain mirrors beauty

in the eyes of the painful,

disgust mirrors me

in my eyes, they are painful.