Long time no type.

Huh... It has been two years since I last looked at these posts. Talk about angst. Phew... I know I am the only one that will come back to this and read again, probably in another year. Or maybe I will use this blog to write of my next two years living in China. It would be a good way to juxtapose what time does to someone. How one changes. Change always feel small and insignificant like a single rub to the eye. Yet, many rubs later, you may see life completely different. So, to catch myself up, I am currently a senior now at the University of Tulsa. I am graduating in four short weeks. It has been a harrowing four years with lots and lots of growing done. I have been living by myself with my cat, Sammy, for the past 3 years. I will be leaving in 3 months for Yunnan Province, China. It hasn't quite hit me yet that I will be leaving for two years to live in another country. It never really hit me last year either until I landed in Beijing. I was in Xi'an, China for six months to do my study abroad. I hope this is truly a little secret in the big world wide web and no one reads this. It would be nice to have a small corner of my internet to myself. As my Chinese professor told me my first year in language class, "Act as if you are standing alone by the shore and the unassuming waves in front of you are the only audience... speak! Speak as loud as you care to without any inhibition!". What a statement. What imagery. I like living life in imagery, it's almost better than seeing. Well, I am guessing time will tell if I actually pick this up again. Otherwise, see you in two years.

Life Planning

So I start at the hospital next monday. I have to say, it is probably going to be the most nerve wrecking job I will ever have. Granted, the job title is CNA and I wont be doing anything that could be a life or death decision... but I dont ever want to mess up. I dont know how nurses and doctors and all the like do it. I really dont.

I had a really good talk with patrick last night. He is enrolling in college this summer and wants to be an activist/social worker/non-profit worker! I havnt been more excited and proud of him. We are even talking about going into the peace corps together after we both graduate! I dont know if I will ever fully graduate from college, I am tacking on an accounting degree and THEN going back for nursing... this is really really tentative, but I really want to follow through with it. If the timing is right, we can go! I just wish there was a peace corps place in China. We will see. Patrick is also talking about getting an education degree. He would be a swell teacher. He is so compassionate. I can not see him working in restoration his whole life. And now he sees it too! Some people need more time to go to school, but the great thing is, HE IS GOING TO COLLEGE!

Wow, my heart is swelling by the seconds.

brownstone!

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Patrick and I have officially started looking for apartments. My housing contract ends in April and we are moving out together after that. I am very excited and nervous too. I feel like this is a huge step, in life and in our relationship. Staying over at his place is so much different from staying at our place. I really like this brownstone one, it has everything we both want on our 'Wants for Apartment' list. Wood floors, vaulted ceilings, two bedrooms (one will be an office/guest), 1920's to 40's style (not a have to, but for my own vanity's sake), and a kitchen bigger than a bathroom sink. We are touring it on saturday, which makes this week feel like it is dragging on. I just hope this one will work out, that it will be available when we need it and that it will be as affordable as we think it will be. I have high hopes.

2/3/12

handmade,

hands of a thousand waves

and more good byes

a grand canyon of centry old

rivers, smoothing the weathered

skin, the weilding skin,

that touched confidence,

shook fear and soaks tears,

from yours, from mine.

Cupping sprouts and tea

with warmth that can only be

restored by other hands,

a warmth not found in fireplaces,

a caretaker of all other limbs and

arms and fingers and toes,

storytellers ponder over lines

and predict where these hands will go,

Building sand castles,

squeezing sour lemons, digging in lush gardens, hands..

paint, at Montmartre, with crayons, oil, and these same hands

spin cotton, knits every thread as if it were the last,

pounds metal into brass, hands..

are the true artists, scratching off parking tickets, and bad

grades, rubing away makeup from breakups…

Hand made letters on paper, the informer of all thoughts

and lives that come together wrapping fingers in fingers,

in prayer, in frustration, to calm, to inspire,

in hands, we hold our life, in hands we hold our children and our mothers,

in hands, we are made who we will always be.

Most of all,

your hands, will be the best hand you will ever hold.

Temptation. It's always there if there is something you can't have. For whatever reason. I cant have a lot of things... avacado, strawberries, oranges, any fruit for that matter, peanuts, etc. I'm highly allergic. I deal with that every day. I also deal with the fact I'm five feet tall and have to watch what junk food I eat. You know, I sometimes think its pleasurable torture from nature itself, but honestly, most of the time its a blessing. It's made the conscientious person I am today. I am a health freak, and I think running is the best drug in the market. I smile so big when I run. It feels so good to be alive and move my legs, arms, and toes. I am tempted every day, tortured that during a hot summer day, lemonade and watermelon or off limits. I get to have a bland glass of water and a melted ham sandwich... but that's okay. I adjust.

I made rice in my new rice maker, it was absolutely delicious. I don't know a lot about rice yet, but the long white grain in the brand Jasmine, is so good! I have tried a couple different kinds and I think Jasmine is the most fearful, aromatic sticky white rice I've had homemade. I could eat it with anything! The best part was having a hot cup of oolong tea. I think tea goes with.anything, but nothing quite compliments tea like a bowl of rice. I felt the oolong warm my stomach and I knew things were right in my world. Tea is a temptation that will never be denied.

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I have typed and erased everything I have written for this entry about five times. So, I wont write because obviously anything I am feeling right now is not comfortable enough to share, or its too impersonal I sound like a baffoon. I hate writing about weather or about shcool or anything trivial and cumbersome that I wouldnt even talk about in a conversation in person.

Early morning

I have a heavy heart this morning. The onset of finals is among all college students right now. Usually, I feel like I can handle it, but this semester feels near impossible. I have more work than hours to do it and I feel like is it sqwelching my strength to not feel shitty, for lack of better terms. So, here I go.

I can only do my best, which is a lot harder than any cute statement could make it out to be. I am being diligent in studies and manner. Yet, I feel that it isnt paying off in any aspect. I work so hard that I have no time for friends, no time for family (hardly) and no time for myself. I am actually hitting myself for taking time to type this. Although, I need a slight break so here I am. I feel lonely, but only for small amounts of time when really anyone should feel lonely. Like 6.30 a.m. at a desk. So, Im going to focus on some positive:

I really really like Pumkin Chunkin. I find it so fascinating that some people are very dedicated to chunking...well, pumpkins.

Patrick and I talked out a deal to never settle, in life, in work or home. Always moving forward, and to weed out the people in our lives that are just weighing us down.

I still have cravings for turkey and cranberry sandwhiches. I know, whats wrong with me? well, my name's Erika and I never let things go, especially food phases. Dont get me started on PB&J. Long time favorite obsession.

Thats all I have this morning.

Side note: I really do hate facebook, whenever I get on there it makes me feel bad. Obligated to say happy birthday to so called "friends" and I see people I once knew move on with things I dont particularly agree with. Tired of it.