10/10/11

Starvation of mind

in pitiless lectures of

what life should be

Should be… a ringing in my

throbbing ears that has

haunted the halls of lost

opportunity, lost.

Lost whom?

Not me.

I am starved already

of what I used to gorge

down with a hollowness

never to be filled, or

admired over.

A glut of knowledge,

mushed into my dry brain

and is saw dust for the fill.

Starting up again.


Im currently at TU right now, and I am so glad I transferred. OU just wasnt for me.
I work about 3 jobs right now along with 16 hours of school. I essentially have no life. I feel pretty lonely today.

In highschool, I had three really good bestfriends. Sat at lunch together every day, after school, etc. I felt as if nothing would seperate us. Well, life choices were made and the three of them are still very good friends. I, on the other hand, am some what alienated. I would go into detail why, but it is no use. I admit I did some wrong. I should have followed through on a promise of a baby shower, but I never expected to not talk to them EVER again. My life is just going in a different direction than theirs I guess. It is just so, so sore. I hurt when I think about them. Not because I necessarily need them back in my life, because honestly they are happy and I wouldnt disrupt that, I hurt because I dont feel that bond with any one now. I want that lifetime friendship. I am utterly happy with my boyfriend of three years... but I still need a girl bestfriend. That person I can talk to about anything. That will be my maid of honor, be a lunch date every tuesday and shop, and talk and laugh and... yeah. I am slowly getting better, I have wonderful people in my life, kately, josh, sarah, becky, marissa, sarah, and kelsey. I just wish I had that bond like I had with them.

Wishing never got anyone anytwhere though, and I have been moving on. It just sucks every now and then.

welp.

I feel like time has gone by so. slow... today. Ive been taking this Language Gender and Society class, which... is mostly just women's studies and our misfotunes with overbearance of masculine vanacular. I am so angry. I am angry at that class and at myself. I couldnt believe how traditional and fitting of the femina stereotype I really was. I am pink, with flowers, and sweets, and things that girls are supposed to be. ALTHOUGH, I see some things in my like Lisbeth Salander and Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta. I want to be fearless. I want to be liberated, not from stereotypes or social construct of what it means to be a woman, because lets face it.. its a part of me now. I want to be liberated from myself. I want to search with a light into myself and not fear what there really is. For this reason, I can only attribute my realization of self liberation to this godforsakenclass...

I think the reason I am so frustrated with it, is not because my professor is an extreme French Feminist, no.. that doesnt bother me, its the content of the class. Its the idea of obliterating our vocabulary as we speak it today. FreshMAN, huMANity, master, bachelor, etc. these words that insinuate that women are lesser.

MY NAME IS A FEMALE VERSION OF KING, by the way.


So, i sit here and contemplate on labels. I dont want one. I am neither traditional or feminist or girl or anything. I just want to be me. Erika, the girl that is only five feet tall, who giggles too often, who likes blue cheese and cigarettes. I am me. i am....

This may be a touchy subject to many or some, I just merely wanted to explain how I felt about this class. It really bothers me how disturbed it makes me feel. I am bothered...

Foals and metaphysics.

I woke up in my own bed today. In my old home.. wow. I slept really well, body knows, it really does.

I go through phases where I dont feel like listening to music... at all... scary right?

It turns into an NPR obsession and I listen to poetry tuesday nights and stories on monday nights and on wednesday I wake up early to listen to BBC news and so forth. Im more interested what is happening in the world, than actually listening to it..
I woke up as I stated earlier and decided to listen to a new band, haphazardly chosen from an itunes playlist and broke.

broke NPR to bits and pieces once again.

I am listening world. I am listening.

Thank you Foals- Spanish Sahara. You opened my ears and closed my eyes.

2/8/11

I carry guilt,

as if I were a camel

carrying water.



I was a bitch,

was. one once.

was. one.



If I could carry the scars,

ripped up inside you

I would let my body

rip twice over.

thrice over.



Pain mirrors beauty

in the eyes of the painful,

disgust mirrors me

in my eyes, they are painful.

A feeling indescribable.

So there's this blizzard right? And it made TU cancel.... I want to give a formal thank you to the weather men who so proudly stand in front of that green screen and explain that I can sleep in, probably for the rest of the week. Id also like to thank mother nature for giving us tough love and a cold hand of a blizzard, thank you very much.

Sleeping arrangements lately have caused my body to be a bit confused. I stay at Patrick's apartment for about half the week and the other at my dorm. I think the N S E W coordinates are causing my sleep to go out the door. Although, I woke up one night and felt a feeling Ive experienced most of my life. Okay, here's were its going to get confusing because I cant explain this very well.

I wake up, and I feel as if I'm the pebble in a pond, and all these ripples of epiphanies are flowing from me. Its like a "who am I and what does me even mean?" moments but much more in depth or abstract. Its like I see my self from space and know how small I am compared to everything, even the man lying next to me who I love so dearly. I feel so small compared to him compared to the plug in outlet near my feet. This feeling pulses until something shakes me, like Patrick's notorious mumbling and conversations in his sleep.



I wish I could explain this better. I feel like its something from Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind kind of feel with a galaxy element and V for Vendetta outer worldly experience. You know, when you realize everything comes together. Its when the Detective guy puts all the pieces together and realizes that the "good" guys are the bad guys, and V is the good guy. He feels apart of something so so much bigger than himself.


Anyways, I had this wonderful cup of tea the other day, Monkey Picked Oolong. It was so mellow yet, tasted like what holy water would taste like. Definitely selling Monkey Picked when I have my tea business.

1.25.11

One Day the World will Hug Us Back.
And tears will be wiped by the sands
from our porch welcome mats
and the arms of supermarkets and
Parking tickets will reach out
and hold our hands instead of
crushing them.

One day the World will Hug Us Back.