I just finished applying to the spring break Brazil trip. I am super excited! I have a feeling I am really going to enjoy Rio! I did alot of talking with Patrick and I have decided that the past is the past. yes, overdue and over rated. I cant change it, I cant change people, so quit trying. I want to get more involved in school. Plan for next semester: Do more.

Im really looking forward to having off an entire week of college next week. Thanks giving break is a godsend. I need to recharge and relax so I can come back to sanity. I got invited to start writing for this tea magazine and I am pretty apprehensive about it. I have never published any writing of mine and I honestly dont think its up to par. Kurt Vonnegut said about writing was, "write as if you are just talking out loud. You must have pity for your readers. Do not trust any other writing other than your own." Pretty weird advice but I kind of get it. He basically is saying have confidence and dont give a fuck. I think I could do that while I am writing the piece, but afterwards Ill be biting my nails to nubs and Ill be singing that nubs song by NOFX.... old school I know.

I had a pretty stressful weekend. I am not a very good host. I have an extremely tough time being the party planner, taking people from out of town and showing them a good time. I get to anxious, contsantly worry if they are enjoying themselves, and I am so aware of how lame I really am. I like simple things. Going to a coffee shop and drinking some expensive tea that uses chlorine tea bags, and then complain how expensive and pointless it was, but the atmosphere is so great and I just like being out of the house and around other strangers that like being out of their house in a coffee shop too. I like to thrift shop but only rarely because I dont want to look through the same clothes on the same hanger. It needs to cycle through for another month. I like to go onto of roofs and stare at the sky, pretending I know everything just by studying a speck of light. I like to drink wine and eat garlic bread and say yes with emphasis. I like to go try new, weird foods that most would just walk away and prey the food doesnt follow. I like to sleep too. sleep alot actually. Go to bed at a semi decent time, wake up just after the sun winks at you. Stuff like that, that other 19 year olds dont really necessarily like, (totally stereotyping). Most. and I guess I have credit because I have been to two large public colleges, that they just like to drink, drank, drunk. I meann, sure. I did that for a while, my senior year of high school and part of freshman year of college... but I am so done with that. Done with sleeping in stranger's coat closets, bathtubs, floors, kitchens etc. Im done with saying, hi whats your name, (says name), oh cool! talks for a bit. Next morning, I have no idea who that kid was or what his name is. Shit. Gave my number to said kid. DONE. I find no excitment or newness to it. Its stale beer. Its headaches and stench from cigarettes. Its greasy Ihop food thrown up because every right minded drunk wants to eat at three in the morning at Ihop. Its truth. Ive been there. I just wish I could find more people like me that grew up too fast. Who sees what I see and is cool with it and moves on. I have my dear, Patrick, who feels the exact same way. yet, he is only one... I want a groud of friends that really like vinyls and wants to go to a poetry slam. And save up to roadtrip to New Mexico and pretend we are local indians and we want mexican food and stay in Adobe houses.

I'm watching the harry potter series on abc family. I literally broke out in tears on the beginning of the first one. I just honestly can't believe its all over. Harry Potter was my childhood summers. It was one of my first novels I read in first grade. I just feel like this is the sign of an ending of my childhood. Now, I guess I must grow up. I don't think I could ever fully grow up. What's a grown up anyhow?

Well I am happy today, working with Loren, the man I take care of. Kelsey is in town and that makes me so excited. Also, Patrick and I are planning on having a delicious dinner tonight. Oh wow, how I love food.

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Last night I went to the band performance at my old highschool. The marching was superb. It really was. I am so proud of them and wish them all the luck in Grand Nats this weekend.

Watching the band really made me emotional. Really, I always am when I go see band functions. I dont know how to decide I feel. Its a huge mixture of sad and happy. I think I go to mourn my highschool days, definately saying goodbye, but not forgetting. I would never go back. That's for sure. Two years out of it and I see why band was so important to me. It was the comraderie, the love, and friendship that made my life at highschool barable. I have so much to be thankful for that because, I dont know if I could have made it through with out band. It truly shaped who I am today and who I love. I wouldnt have met so many people if it werent for band. People I really held close to my heart.

Patrick
Ceirra
Abbey
Chelsey
Sarah P.
Sam
Mrs. Craft
Gorham
Trent
Alberto
etc. etc.

These people really made an impact on me. I have everything I am to thank these people.

Yet, looking at the past, really makes me want to focus on the present and future. I am so happy now. A happy that is balanced for once. Everyone has bad days, but good days are more prevelant. I am so excited to be traveling to Brazil and China! I am so thankful I have these opportunities to see the world. I am excited to graduate and go to graduate school in Washington! I am excited to learn more and more about tea and how to run a tea business, because for once in my life I know what i am truly passionate about and that is such a relief. Everything happens for a reason and I am seeing more and more signs of where I should go.

In my entire life, I have never felt so content and in control with my life. This is what it feels like to truly live.

I think everyone doubts themselves sometimes. I have really thought hard why I decided to major in International Business and Chinese. It was origionally for the tea. I wanted to be in the business of buying and selling chinese tea. Which, when explained to advisers, professors, college friends and pretty much anybody I meet for the first time give me the same look. Raised eyebrows, twisted smirk and a statement like, "wow, thats weird."

I kind of get discouraged by this. Is this something I can really do? Is this what I really want? Oh god, this is a silly childhood dream that hasnt caught up with reality.

Then, I read this book. And a HUGE wave of relief came over me.

Yes. This is it. The tea store that has now accumulated in my suite room with so much tea, I have told myself I cant buy anymore till I steep the last of it all. This will all come to where I want to go and now I know it.

There just have been too many signs saying I will. I am currently getting ready to meet an editor for a tea magazine. Which is so so exciting! She wanted to know if I could write for her and have a column about my tea journey. I am so lucky. I feel so okay with this that is even scaring me.

10/10/11

Starvation of mind

in pitiless lectures of

what life should be

Should be… a ringing in my

throbbing ears that has

haunted the halls of lost

opportunity, lost.

Lost whom?

Not me.

I am starved already

of what I used to gorge

down with a hollowness

never to be filled, or

admired over.

A glut of knowledge,

mushed into my dry brain

and is saw dust for the fill.

Starting up again.


Im currently at TU right now, and I am so glad I transferred. OU just wasnt for me.
I work about 3 jobs right now along with 16 hours of school. I essentially have no life. I feel pretty lonely today.

In highschool, I had three really good bestfriends. Sat at lunch together every day, after school, etc. I felt as if nothing would seperate us. Well, life choices were made and the three of them are still very good friends. I, on the other hand, am some what alienated. I would go into detail why, but it is no use. I admit I did some wrong. I should have followed through on a promise of a baby shower, but I never expected to not talk to them EVER again. My life is just going in a different direction than theirs I guess. It is just so, so sore. I hurt when I think about them. Not because I necessarily need them back in my life, because honestly they are happy and I wouldnt disrupt that, I hurt because I dont feel that bond with any one now. I want that lifetime friendship. I am utterly happy with my boyfriend of three years... but I still need a girl bestfriend. That person I can talk to about anything. That will be my maid of honor, be a lunch date every tuesday and shop, and talk and laugh and... yeah. I am slowly getting better, I have wonderful people in my life, kately, josh, sarah, becky, marissa, sarah, and kelsey. I just wish I had that bond like I had with them.

Wishing never got anyone anytwhere though, and I have been moving on. It just sucks every now and then.