Darkest Things

I have been doing a lot of thinking this weekend. Who I want to be, who I want to be with, and most importantly, where I want to go with who I want to be with.

Choices, are hardest when you know it will effect the rest of your life. Its not just about what class to take next year, its where do you want to be in debt and what do you want to dedicate your life career too. How do people decide on these things?? I need someone to just lay it out for me. Tell me what is best. Give me that lucky card.



I sat on my porch,
sipping on that filter paper
and soaking up the rain.

Instead of thinking
of you, I thought about
being a butterfly,

Floating above the washed
out streets and wilted
dandelions caressing
the drops of water beneath
them

Singing,
about how lonely hearts
soak up the rain.

Well well well, young grasshopper.

Ginger snaps make me wonder if it is even worthy of being considered a cookie... as if it tastes like home.

Money money money, seems to be on everyone's mind lately. You know what? IT makes me want to go burn it. It's so constricting. Who would have ever thought that a green piece of paper could stop me from doing anything.

How it can starve a family, wreck lives, buy love, buy you.

It bought me, from time to time.

I wont ever let that happen again.

Thoughts

I feel like an apple turn over. One day Im good, next Im cold.

Since I havent been diligently posting like I thought I was, my thoughts have accumulated.

Women wear mascara in hopes of showing how wide the doors are to their heart. How inviting they are to their soul.

Sometimes I get so angry, the fury inside me has daydreams of punching a wall... with a persons face on it. Then kicking a door that you were about to open, and giving you a splinter.

Unfortunetly, reality sets in and I cry instead... because that is what I do when I am mad. Maybe I'll blog for real later.

Well, I had my last spring concert tonight. I cant say that I am complaining about it either. When I was onstage, I didnt feel the nervous jitters that I once had in my tummy. I guess after eighth grade.. you just kind of get over it. I miss that. I miss feeling like everything is new. Instead, Im saying everything is my last.

I cried during the second movement of Lincolnshire. I dont know how to describe this overwhelming moment. The lights dimmed, at least from my eyes, and all I could see is the beauty of where I was sitting. I was sitting in a masterpiece of music. It was being created all over again, around me, in me, and through me. I could hardly play, but felt completely guilty if I didnt. The tears welled at the curve of my neck and I let them stay there. They were hot and kept me from freezing over with goosebumps. There is just something about letting your feelings go through music. Playing somehow takes away whatever pain your feeling and replaces it with love. Love for the notes, harmony, the feeling of life around you. Everyone wanting the same thing you do. It is absolutely beautiful. Stunning. Radiant.
When the trumpet soared, I just about lost it altogether.




Come away with me,
take me.
and perfect the art
of shattering our hearts.




P.S.

P.S. Is what the alphabet would look like if you took out Q and R.

Will fight.

These are the things I will fight for.

You.
My sister.
The kitten in the tree.
The Congo
Ice cream on a sunny day
Tea
The life of Poetry
Vinyl and needles
Collages
Human Rights of any kind
You.

Cool Hand Luke

I watched this movie a long time ago, but I remember it so well. It really made an impression on me. So many quotable lines... but I wont repeat them in fear of redundency. I just really miss watching old movies. Old classic movies that most people forget about because of high-tech avatar or wonderland. What ever happened to Clark Gable? Well one part of this movie where Luke eats more boiled eggs than humanly possible, made me really feel something. Well, more than just the initial instinct to go and throw up myself. I want to be him. Maybe not in prison but cool... Nonchalant like, you know what I mean? Let the Bosses in my life try and make me miserable. I dare them. I dont ever want to be broken like Luke. He escapes and gets caught a million times but never breaks. He is always his own, always looking for an out.

Forgive

I havnt posted in a couple days, I feel like Ive been putting myself on hold.

The big news, Im moving. Far enough to call it that, a couple neighborhoods away. Im honestly really sad about it. My house reminds me of a Lady and the Shoe house. Its a ranch house with things everywhere, but not unbearable. Just enough mess to make you feel like you can kick back and put your feet up with your shoes on. It's best described as cozy. A comfort home.

The house we are moving to? Well, it has a pool, lots of space, very classy. Its a house were you have formal parties and you wear only socks around. Its definately a step up, but I feel like its a step down. Why am I complaining anyways? Im moving away in three months. I just wont have any home to come home to.


Sometimes I feel out of breath, emotionally. I fear, if I take in a deep breath, it might be too much, but I desperately need it. I dont usually diagnose myself, but... Im due for a breakdown. So maybe I can build myself back up again. Someone reached out to me yesterday. It happened in the most unexpected way. I beleive people cross your path for a reason, to teach you something or show you something. This person showed me how to be spiritual once again. How to start a relationship with God again. How to care, about things infinetly beyond yourself, and love life once again.



Most importantly, forgive yourself.








Poem later.