Fantastic day. : )

Except for the whole choking fiasco at lunch. Enough said.


I had a huge discussion with my mom tonight about money. My eyes are a little wider now, I did not realize how tight we were. It makes me not want to attend college.. to save money. Do I need a degree for what I want to do?? Not really. Education is a luxary. My dad is supposed to pay my mom a check every month for child support, but he is hurting too on money. I love how my mom approaches it. She told us it doesnt matter if he pays it or not, because SHE vowed to take care of us. He has his own demons.. and so do we. I hope I have that understanding nature like her. That even though people disappoint you, take a step outside of your body and see what they deal with. Would you do the same? That is something I always strive for. To connect with people. I want to understand you, because I dont understand myself. When I can see you, soul and mind, then maybe you can see me and describe what it is that keeps our hearts beating. What it is to love.

I watched a thing today over Scott Peterson and Lacey. It was heartbreaking. How can a guy with such good looks do such a thing. It makes you really think, is that guy sitting next to me contemplating different ways to kill me? Most likely not, but you never know. Maybe he is contemplating on how to hold my hand and tell me everything is alright. I like that much better. : )

Your Name

In the corner of
my swelling head,
is a piece of paper
crinkled up, used
with eraser marks

Written in pencil
is your name.
Letters diligently placed
over others less deserving

Slowly, as your lips move
the words Ive dreaded hearing
ever since the first I love you,
I take my eraser and watch
what I have made for you and I
dissappear.
Letter by letter, leg by leg
we untangle.
Lips pull away spitting out the
shavings that once said your name

The last letter, unfortunetly
placed.
I cant bear to take it,
to let you erase away.
I'll just let it stay there,
etched into the lines.

Leaving indentions
of your fingertips
onto mine.

Something

I went and played a college game tonight. It was alright. It was a girls game, so you know. Not many people there unfortunetly.

All the while, I had time to think. I am not what I expected myself to be. I am turning out... quite normal. I am a blonde, blue eyed, hopeless romantic, with dry humor. Sounds like an eHarmony add? Well Im not trying to sound like that. There is so much in this world that I have been offered and I have failed to take those offers up. Maybe I should change that. or, maybe I should make my own offers.

Some couples make me sick with their happiness. Enough already, spread the joy.

I am planning on doing a lot of biking over spring break. Can you say... 32 mile marathon?

Ive realized something, I need to let go, things are not changing. So, let go.

In the daylight

Today was a dream, a lane that had memory signs held up high. It was good though. I am one of those seasonal people... I cant remember what you call them. The sun was shining as if summer never ended, and for once, I was satisfied. The sunlight can do wonders. Best prescription for an aching...

A car was pulled over in front of me today. I just thanked myself for being so damn lucky.

Im okay with the way things are. Thats all I can be. Im okay with constant change. Gives me room for dexterity right?

I wish I could have this day all over again.

Love.

Naked

Here I am, naked
like a baby
taking their first
breath from recycled air,
from what you have taken
and so have I

soft white curves
slowly shift in complete
comfort as I watch you
play your mom's guitar
simple, yet beautiful
melody reverberating
in your lungs as if
that is all you know
You are all I know.

My ribs peak through
as I take in your lips
against mine.
I am naked.
You are free
to look deeper into
what my eyes want to tell you
We could never speak in words,
talking, moving our lips
and tongue to show how we
feel. Tied and twisted I learn
to speak through my body.
I am naked.

Not your average pot hole.

I saw something today. It was something I always had night terrors about. I need to get back to where Ive come from. In New Mexico, there was no judgement. It was mountain air, howling coyotes, pine trees and road runners. It was my life for such a short period, yet so strongly influences who I am right now.

I see beauty in everyone. Physical and something beyond that. Sometimes its harder to see, veiled behind an attitude or makeup, but it is certainly there. Because of that, I forgive too easily. I forgive my Father, the priest who said Im going to hell, the friend whose last words echo "bitch" in my ear, the bully who held me up by the throat because I had all A's and he didnt, and so on. I forgive because I understand. I see their pain, and feel their pain. I feel sorry for Tiger Woods. How sad. I never forget though. Do not be confused with holding grudges. Those are too hard on me. I'll always remember that bully for doing such an ugly and humiliating thing, but I hope he is well now.

Alone With Everybody

the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.

there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.


-Bukowski

Skillet on the Stove, it's such a temptation.

The worst part of a trip is the first step into the house you so badly wanted to leave. Weatgerford was a real nice change and I met some really cool people. Chill, no drama, no ulterior motives. I walked into that Quartz Mountain try out one person and walked out whole different one. It was spiritual in a way. I sat and did what I love most, writing. It was art from me. Things that are pinned up inside me; put to pen and paper. I had to evaluate everything about myself. There were things that I wanted to kick a wall for, and others smile. I got through it, and loved myself once again. What a wonderful feeling.

I am trying to shy away from lyrics... but this song is amazing.

Love grows in me like a tumor,
parasites bent on devouring its host.

Doesnt really relate to me, but man, love the song.


I am exhausted today, driving for so long wears you out for some reason... even though your just sitting there...?