Falling Slowly

Yesterday, was amazing. Not because of the people I met or the people I was with, but because I realized something. Everybody is beautiful! I sound like a complete fruitcake... and I dont care. I was at Shades of Brown and watched a guy from Colorado sing his lungs out. I never saw so much raw emotion. I got to talk with him afterwards and I admire everything he is doing. He is personally touring around the US and playing and singing with his beat-up guitar. It was so beautiful. There were these two other girls, Mandi and Erin. Mandi sounded exactly like Regina Spektor, but with her own style. I adore Regina and loved what Mandi did. I got to talk with her as well. I sat there, watching these people do what they love, and I loved what they were doing. I would look around and see the man in the corner, wearing all black, brighten from the sweetly raw songs. Couples came, single, lonely, independent. All rightfully deserving of love. I sat there, with my sister and loved her. Valentines day is a day of love, of EVERYONE. Not just your sweety, or last minute pick-up. I made Emily's night. We went to the center of the universe and screamed so loud, I swear my mom heard in Owasso. The only thing I regret is I screamed things I didnt mean. Things, that I want to believe are true, and the thought of letting them out of my body might make them come true... I thought wrong. I just felt bad afterwards.

You are what nightmares are for.

I cant sleep anymore. Dreams are not an escape.




I figured out, if I have emily with me, I can stay out as long as I want. Mom didnt even care we tiptoed into the house at 2:30 a.m. Weirdest logistics...

I heard Falling Slowly from Once at CHOCHS, I cried.

Bah Humbug

Valentines Day is everyday. I dont need one day to express my love for someone. Although, roses are always nice : ) What can I say, Im weak for flowers. Maybe not roses though, I like summer flowers better. Any kind. When I was in switzerland I picked flowers everywhere and stuck them in my journal. They still smell like the moutains. I want so badly to go back.

Last nights dream consisted of me doing laundry... Yeah, sleep should be more eventful.

I went with my friend last night to downtown, sandsprings, broken arrow and then owasso. We rapped like straight up G's. Went into an Adult Super Store out of PURE curiosity. It was weird... to say the least. It was one of those stores where you can rent a video and go into a room for a couple minutes... I guy couldnt take in his jacket lol. When we were leaving the beer belly owner yelled " Come back and see us!" .... yeah right.

I am your bathtub
I let you in
into my warmth
and bubbly laughs

Take a step in,
but I caution
I am warm and naive
Ill let you take my heat
and bath full of tears

I snuggle close,
breathing on your
bruised skin
tears heal the broken




I am officially celebrating Chinese New Year, ONLY.

Hellava night

I went over to Shirley's house : )

I had REAL chinese food. I never want to eat at a buffet again.. period.
I had a talk with Megan today, she knows what she is talking about for sure. Ever have a problem? She is the go-to man.




What I really love,
is the sparks
flying on the road
in my rear view mirror

Its freedom
marked by smoke
stained fingers

Its Fourth of July
My favorite
time to kill,
time to see,
what beauty is behind
in one smoke ring

The sun still shines above the clouds..

Saw someone use a nettie pot today.... disgusting. I had to put that out there. Im not ever using one. Ill just medicate instead.

Speaking of medicine.

I need to take a little bit
of my own medicine...
here, take it first and see
if there are any side effects.


2-09-10

A fake gold chain
tangled with stirling
silver, a diamond, once
laced around my neck

One came from a quarter
machine at pizza hut
one was a present
from my father, Grandmother's
heirloom, Best friend
bracelet, the one I thought
I lost, the one I never forgot,
homemade, Impulse
buy, there's one,
a necklace...
he bought me for christmas.

Swollen fingers pull
red with effort, sore with
emotion. Twisted, locked,
fake, real, cheap, long, short,
serious, sincere...


tears drip at loose ends






I think this is beautiful : )

Love who you are

I am not writing about love tonight. For now, Im done with it. I want to talk about my night. I had a huge AP Biology project to do with Shirley, Vincent, and Carissa. We all had a talk about race. Vincent, a philipino, Shirley, chinese, Carissa (Spanish/Latino) and me.. white. It opened my eyes even further. What they thought of Americans.. how we..well, they, label. I am mostly Croatian and second generation in America. It really shows how much a label can hurt. I saw a documentary about a Chinese woman that married an African man, they had a child and didnt know what to check on the race on the birth certificate. They had to check "Other" on it. It made me sad in a way, we humans want so badly to label everything. We want to define it down to the atom. Things we cannot even see. I am content on just knowing that I am alive and free and happy. I dont need to see a mexican, asian, european, indian, etc. I need to see PEOPLE that love and cry all the same. That have disappointments and dreams, sacrifices and sucess. I saw tonight that there is sooooo much more than what meets the eye. I plan to reach out to more people, more than I have been.

This world is full of possibilities. Owasso, is a small, small fraction of what there is to be offered. I dont want to get hung up on things here because how much does it really effect the rest of my life? Why get hung up on drugs, alcohol, etc.?? why? I can go graffiti for danger, or go skinny dipping in the cold, or dance at a gay club. There are so many things in reality that are amazing, I dont want another realm to deal with. Loss of control and gripping of things here that are so precious and important. Like those that I love so dearly. I would lose them all with drugs. I wouldnt be able to live with my self. Once and a while is okay, to maybe say you tried pot or whatever but... not a habit. Not something that could potentially be harmful to me and my family. I couldnt do that to them. I love too deeply to do that.

What a day

I am setting out to find something. I am setting out to search for someone that truly loves. I want what everyone wants. But, I also want to love someone, completely for who they are. Can you say that you have done that? Do you love someone for everything they are? Do you hate a quirk about them? I grant that everyone can get on peoples nerves. But can you still love being irritated by them?
It is the very essence of unconditional love.

Nights are the worst for me. I think too much... and love unconditionally.

Last Night

I have to say, I firmly believe things happen for a reason. I talked with Matt last night at the Basketball game. He was exactly who I needed to talk to. He dated this girl for two years, the girl cheated and treated him badly. She broke up with him. He was heart broken... He told me how he felt afterwards and it was astonishing how I mirror him. He always loved her. Now, they are together and have even stronger feelings for her. She changed and he changed. Before, it just wasnt the right time for them. They both needed to grow as individuals. Granted, its highschool. But I disagree with the stigma of "highschool" relationships. I think its still love, no matter what time it is in your life. You can finally fall in love at 80 or 10. I think its the same. I witnessed a guy truly in love with his girlfriend. I saw the way he talked about her and almost convinced me to love her as well. He explained that no one is perfect, and its the imperfections that make people fall in love. Imperfection is perfect.

I am not expecting to find what he has, it is rare and should be cherished adamently. I ,now, have hope that I may find that. Maybe, this year isnt my time. Maybe, just maybe, its later. I will love again. I will fall in love again. Have butterflies, tumble incandescently in love, smile, and be happy. Now, I just have to learn how to open up again, to accept what has happened and find happiness in other things. I am thankful to have the friends that I have and family. They make me happy. Poetry is my food; Writing, my escape. I have it all with me. I just need to open my eyes and see it. I am willing to be patient and not make myself suffer because things didnt work out like I wanted them too. This goes for anything. Any kind of heartbreak.

Shit happens, its up to you to get the scooper out and move on. Disappointment is behind any door you open, just dont let that bastard in.