Still

I still love him...
for now, I stay there
Im in no hurry.
Why make myself forget
the unforgettable?

Over

And the only thing left
between us,
was the cigarette
between my teeth.

Strange things

Its a strange place,
Coming and going,
As the years turn to decades
As this cigarette burns out.

It's in my head
That maybe time will slow down
Maybe time will change me
I hope I will burn out

Burn with the changing of leaves
From green to brown
Lie softly underneath
Thin ice and snow

Lessons Learned

Tonight...

I need to type this out, so sorry for making so many blogs.

My days have been filled with grief. I started this blog to help me recover. I am being honest. So if you dont like hearing what I say, read a happier blog.

My mom and I got in a fight tonight. It really wasnt a fight, more like a screaming match.. but one sided. Mom screamed so loud it sounded like a cat was dying. She was so emotional that I turned completely unemotional. I was platonic. I didnt say a word, partly in fear of saying the wrong thing and partly because if I opened my mouth, my stomach would lurch out. I realized that I have problems. I am a statistic. Mom is divorced, boyfriend lives with us... well in the back room, sister never cries, and I am forgetful and rebellious. Someone very close to me said once, "your problems wear me down." I cant tell you how much that hurt me. But tonight, I realize that my own problems weigh me down too. Im am completely torn apart. I am spread to the point that vulnerability cannot comprehend the idea. A leaf falls on my heart, and I swear I will lose it all.

The fact is... I didnt say a word. ME, a girl with a thousand words couldnt speak. I was speechless. I am speechless. Its such a chore to even come up with something to say... to those that are directly related.

I want to apologize, for ever criticing someone unable to speak. I am deeply sorry. I know that person I should be apologizing to wont read this... but I need it out there at least. I was wrong to push anything from you. I now, too, know how is feels. I know that words, sometimes, cannot express what is inside you. Words are not enough, nothing is enough.


I am sorry.

Sunset

Today, was a day for sure. I know because the sun came up and set on this beautiful man at Applebees. Megan,very blessed, is training him. He had hazel/green eyes and a super white smile. For the first time in a long time, I checked out a guy. I know this sounds weird. When I was with my previous, I never really saw other guys. Never really flirted.. much or anything. I considered leaving my number... but Im not ready yet. I want to be completely over it. It just reminded me that there is more out there than him. It was a good first baby step to moving on. Honestly, I had no intention of doing anything more than looking at him. Considering.. but not really. Its just like seeing a cute shirt... but it wouldnt fit right.. not for me. Id rather wear my favorite Tee shirt.

Wrote a poem.. posting lata.

Weight

I have known the unyielding support of a bench
especially when in rows, fatigue from his speech,
the weight of the book of Psalms, thin paper easily torn,
pencils too small for your hand, asking for penance,
obligating onlookers hoping for you to open your heart,
burning bibles smoking a hole through your soul,
Lonely widows wiping dust off their ring fingers,
Lament at the pew, heaviness in the bread and wine.
And I have seen so called miracles at his steps,
sent down from an unseen, intangible angel,
struck into the heart of the sick and fickle,
electrified within the congregation, down to the ground
they pray, holding the generic, diamand crucifix.

Breathe

Its time to make myself new.

I wrote an entire poem in the car today. In my head of cours... and now I cant remember it. Maybe its better that way. Im not surprised though, my memory is terrible. Some of my best poems are forgotten.

I also want to start reading a new poet, whoever reads this, I need suggestions. I guess thats what google is for.

New quote of the day "because if seeing is believing, then believe that we lost our eyes" Goosebumps much?

I have no real point today. Maybe I'll really Blog later... or a poem might show up, if I remember.